chanting "i'm not a furry" to ward off my demons
i love japan because of their culture"
Ever feel like killing yourself just to spite someone?
every female is a 10
(~˘▾˘)~ (づ￣ ³￣)づ
Confirmed that my PC build featuring the mangled 2400G works without any dead components. No possibility of RMAs had there been one. I'm ecstatic, waiting for thermal paste and a proper power switch. Prodding around for the motherboard leads with a screwdriver makes me nervous. None of the ITX cases out there appealed to me so I'll probably improvise something. Dear lord are M.2 drives fast and fuck me dead is this thing tiny. The cable for the free monitor I got also came in, bringing the total cost $320 + $25. My last PC upgrade was 9 yeats ago.
I could've done this build 4,5 years ago when I had plenty of free time, make everlasting memories playing and talking with my canadian buds. It was the overwhelming sense of guilt that swatted any big purchase away. Don't want to be a financial drain to my parents, don't want to destabilize my already fragile day-to-day with too many workhours, don't want to fuck up the second chance I was given at school. And on a deeper level, maybe subconsciously I knew that attainment fantasies perpetually floating over my head were something I needed. Tangible, explicit, and at the same time far enough out of reach. This PC cost me less than $350 and it's a crundle punch after coming from my prehistoric PC's. But maybe it wouldn't have been a huge difference. Wider range of games is nice, but only time will tell if my interest in them rekindles at all.
Found aphids on two of my plants. life is pain.
That Falkreath house is the most deadly... Bandits always at my door. Mud crabs keep befriending my gay bitch son and end up burrowing into my floorboard at night. A dragon always spawns there every 2 weeks. Finally, there is a fucking necromancer next door that sends over skeletal dicks to offer me fucking girl scout cookies, and if you deny ends up killing my chickens and cow...
Back to windows with mixed feelings. My trial-by-fire transition into Ubuntu was maddening, and every "the year of linux" forum post I've glossed over like a vagrant's distant stare. This time around for my new PC I didn't have a choice. The iGPU neither supports Win7 or Linux. I abandoned my reservations, and I prepared mysself by running through scenarios in the many ways Windows 10 could facefuck my conciousness. Starting off, the pre-loaded bloat is easy enough to deal with especially with Windows 10 Debloater. It's nice having all my familiar programs back like QTtabbar, which adds tabs to file explorer. Autohotkey took less than 20 minutes to set up, compared with 2 hours of googling on Ubuntu. Overall, this ease in navigating software stands out the most. A decently modular program is easy to find on Windows, whereas I was constantly on alternativeto, struggling to even sample what was on offer, what was still maintained, what had the features I was looking for. Even a simple task like setting up hotkeys or changing the UI neccessitated opening command prompt, something that took either 10 minutes or 4 hours to figure out. The pure ease in installing/trying out new software improves the chances on Windows that I get what I'm looking for. And my lord were there a lot of misses on linux. File managers without drag-and-drop, image viewers with no configurable settings, it was a baffling journey to try and find software equivalents that would otherwise take minutes to install and set up. Even Firefox was afflicted with unprompted updates that redirected every page to "please restart your browser." And don't even get me started on unmaintained repositories.
I felt like the limitations of the software I was coming across was inhibiting my own enjoyment with Linux. The OS' supposed superiority in user modularity was harbored with a level of experience that I didn't have. Making something easier to use isn't a bad thing, and it seemed some FOSS took pride in its spartan presentation. The less I have to fuck about in command prompt, the better. And that's the fundamental crux of why I found Ubuntu only gratingly tolerable. My user experience was always "good enough" and the programs I was completely satiated with were either also offered on windows, or was itself a derivative of a Windows program. The rest of the native Linux programs were always shockingly deficient in one way or another, with my own ineptitude compounding things.
Do I feel like the pursuit in learning the ins and outs would yield a user experience that would be that much more superior to Windows 10? I don't think so. The gesktop threads on /g/ look bretty cool though. But Windows 10 is pretty bad. Some elements like the programs and features page are identical to Windows 7, hastily hidden away by a shiny new touch-screen optimized veneer. The automated botnet features are truly frightening, like having bloatware bundled with a system update, or a "get help with file explorer in windows 10" search opening totally unprompted on Microsoft Edge. You never quite feel in control. And the entire thing feels greasy and sluggish, UI elements glide across your screen like the entire thing is arranged on thin-gauge springs. On top of that, unpromted system rebooting is back, boot times are slower even with an M.2 drive, searching for files takes generations, renaming files in file explorer not as quick, there's a laundry list of big and small issues that are fundamental to a Windows system.
Prof gave me a good ass-kicking about my essay, it was a good slap across the face. I'm still writing like an English major, need more practice writing academic papers. Won't have fun with them though.
Got started on the photobooks page, need to scrounge up my thoughts on why it manifested as a hobby. Watching Vinesauce, Jerma, and Japanese variety shows as of late. I really liked the latest マツコの知らない世界, it was about a guy with a passion for deep-sea fish who dresses in a sailor's uniform and a middle school-turned artist who makes furniture from driftwood. Exploring people who are passionate about benign little hobbies are infinitely more interesting than someone who has an obsession with a particular food. Also got 3 utterly prehistoric looking rolls of film for free today. One is Fujicolor Super 400, Which I can assume is the grandfather to Superia. The other two are Konica JX 400, a film stock that only yields a textless lomography page. Both likely predate my existence and are fairly useless for straight-and-narrow photography. In the freezer they go.
I should go vegetarian for a variety of reasons. I can't see it as a terribly difficult transition in Japan, there's a decent variety of root vegetables and soy derivatives that stand strong on their own. Already cut beef out without heartache. Excising fish, chicken, and eggs from my diet are going to be hard if I ever get to that level. I also need to free myself from structuring meals on meat. Vegetables are always relegated as periphery when I'm out shopping or blankly staring inside my fridge.
Had dinner with family friends yesterday at a fancy hotpot place in Musashi-Kosugi. Selection of food was fantastic with some obscure looking mushrooms and vegetable sides. They're good people and it's undescribable how they just radiate total transparency.
Got started making some pants. Pants are hard. The crotch area sort of bundles up. Got some dad glasses and they make me nauseous.
Interesting news floating around. "Don't let the coronavirus outbreak spiral into discrimination" was deafeningly parraoted on the news over here during the peak of Chinese New Year. Meanwhile in France and Italy... But don't worry guys, the Japanese are still racist. Did you know they eat cats? or was it dogs? Asia's all the same anyway.
New photobook, the thiccest one yet.
Interesting article on the shrinking camera market, drawing parallels to the decline of film.
Being at the mall waters my crops. All the small families, schoolkids in jerseys, salarymen on their phones. An employee at a mochi stall near the entrance was calling out "Welcome back/home" while passing out fliers to passersby. That's nice.
Off to lunch with mom and the family friend. Actually cold today, around 1C. Right as I was about to leave the Italian snow parka got here, took the opportunity to wear it out. It's perfect. Baggy with tie closures, fits the mori boy look I'm going for. All that's left is to dye it.
Lunch was great, and being in Shibuya is reinvigorating. Just floating through the department stores I see hundreds of sources of inspiration, accumulating everything like a piece of gum on a barbershop floor. Just today I got 3 new collar and pocket ideas for clothing, a potential pencilstand wood carving project, interior arrangement ideas, the list goes on. A bonsai also caught my eye but the $40 tag was a reality check back from lofty "I guess having one would be cool." Mom brought back 10 meters of fabric i bought as well as some vines from grandma's. No idea how to take care of them but the idea of floating flowerpots are up in the air.
The newish 14sai no Koi cover is gorgeous. The live action of Joshikousei no Mudazukai is the most surreal show I've watched in a while. It's like I've come out of a traumatic brain injury. This got made. I'm familiar with the manga and I enjoyed it thoroughly but there's an atmosphere specific to the live action that's such an odd addition it's beyond words.
Saturday Station had some solid journalism, actually visiting and reporting on how coronavirus patients are treated at hospitals, where and how transmission examinations are performed, and the origins of the facemask shortage. The government is peddling flaccid little policies as always. To be cleared for an exam you must have been in Wuhan or verifiably been in contact with a person from Wuhan, exhibit symptoms of persistent coughing, and have a fever of 37.5 or over. Don't meet all 3 qualifiers and you'll never know if you're afflicted. How many people does your average salaryman come in contact during his commute? Thousands? Utterly laughable, and the media is doing a better job elucidating issues to the public than the government. Good thing the virus is only deadly to the elderly, Japan needs a real good purge. Hopefully a couple make it into the Diet.
the olympics ads are sickening as always, hypercommercialized nationalist little croutons strewn about on your box showing greased up athletes with distant cataractic stares.
made a bit of extra money on mercari selling stuff. Bought a disposable camera to harvest the 1600-speed film out of it. Took it apart, shocking myself twice in the process. What a marvel. The flash mechanism in particular is ingenious. PC parts came in from dad and the 2400G's pins were bent. There's a 1/4 scale Reimu figure that I'm craving, just 43cm tall and $300. There's also a gorgeous Sora figure coming out this december, plenty of time to agonize over it. As a show Yosuga no Sora was utterly saucy, gliding over the small bits of context from the VN that tempered the mindfuck. Once you get over the repellent veneer of an show about incest it's a fairly enjoyable love story. Remarkable to think merchandise for a series that ended 10 years ago with no fanservice crumbs since is still trickling out. Especially when it materialized in a gratuitous anime series with a birds and the bees demonstration on A-TX. The Reimu and Inuko nendoroids I have my eye on are still ridiculously expensive at ~$70.
100,000 site views ｡^‿^｡ I doubt I can ever fully suspend my disbelief in looking at traffic numbers. As I said last year, I don't think I've done something that reached 100,000 anything, except maybe apoptosis. Maybe a comment box would fix that. Guestbook comments are always a shot of endorphins but page-specific comment boxes would probably foster more spontaneous feedback.
Sold the AF-1 for $30, the fastest I've sold something. The power of point and shoots.
Revisited /a/ and /fa/ for the first time in 4 years. Not much has changed thankfully. If anything it magnifies how hellish 2012 was with gamergate and SNK/SAO airing. Still not touching /k/ though, that board is too far gone. Reading thread after thread on /fa/ about "whether __ is suitable to wear under __ circumstances" makes me truly appreciate being in Japan. Those are too fem, that's teetering into cosplay, all those qualifiers floating around are something I don't have to worry about anymore. If my Uni professor can come into work cosplaying as a magical girl and not get institutionalized, I can wear anything.
Thinking about getting some floating flowerpots, really looking into the white/brown/vanilla/green korean aesthetic. Finished sewing the bucket hat, it's stewing in a dye of coffee and red onion peel right now. The red onion in particular surprised me with a very dark shade of maroon that reminds me of lingonberry. A torrent of bag/rucksack ideas came to me so that's what I've been bending my mind over.
A new guestbook comment ( ＾◡＾)っ I'm perennially concerned
Everything cascaded off my desk so I figured it was time to change things up. My mind kept coming back to a picture I saw in a room inspo thread a few years ago, none of the furniture was higher than knee-height and it looked ridiculously comfy. Advantageous in Japan since big furniture is a pain when you move. Advantageous for me since I have a futon instead of a bed, and the full-height chair I had seemed to be a torture implement in a past life. I just moved a shelf horizontally and what a difference. The massive windows are even bigger, my room looks more spacious, Removed the backplate for the shelf so it lets even more light in. Considering getting an identical shelf so I can have them in parallel or lined up in an L shape adjacent to my bed area. I'd be able to set my PC or sewing machine there accesible from my bed area for maximum comfy.
Bleak weather but I decided to make the most of my time indoors and I started working on an earphone stand. Went around the 100 yen shops and I got a Japanese cedar board, some wooden dowels, and magnets. All that's left is to shape it into something like this:
Japanese cedar smells so good, like a combination of pine and lavender. Made a sachet to throw in the rucksack with some sawdust and leftover bits.
Another guestbook comment ヽ(〃＾▽＾〃)ﾉ I gotta start reading again, my writing has really started to stagnate.
Off to the mall, 15 minute walk. There's too many kids here, like Abe's re-election stockpile of genetically convergent japanese toddlers breached their containment site. There's small ones, bumbling ones, slippery ones, balding ones, staring at these genetic concoctions without end really makes you appreciate the enveloping silence afforded by having no social skills. If childbirth is the most miraculous event that can happen to you, then the next 5 years of childrearing is there to compensate.
Anyway, it's nice being surrounded by young families instead of crusty pensioners. There's a sense of radiating energy brought on by people who are still virile. I still want kids but I don't know how the Japanese manage. They don't.
Calibrated the 35 SP's rangefinder, those tiny brass set screws are just awful. I always get burned out while sewing. No matter how compelling the project is, no matter how motivated I am, an inevitable phase always arrives after 4-hour sessions of passion. Disinterest mingles with lethargy as no single idea or design captures my interest. I had that today after starting this Veshchemok clone. Today I jumped on /r/malefashion and it solved my postcoital dysphoria. It was a reassurance of "fuck yeah, clothing is awesome."
I do think my journals have stagnated. Not neccesarily in its content, for which I will perenially retain a neurotic fixation over. Rather, it's the spirit behind each entry, what compells me to open that editor and spill a little bit more of myself. Until 6 months ago, it was all repletion and yearning. Staving off monotony and suppressing ideation too distant to even consider. Today my journals are much more benign, reports of what I've done and want to do. In a sense this greater agency over my day-to-day has produced much more stoic entries. and that's boring.
Wore the chuba coat, got the most amount of compliments I've ever gotten. Everything I make isn't explicitly weird unlike this full-length coat.
There's a toy camera that I've had my eye on, a cheap plastic TLR. Initially saw it in the magazine aisle of the bookstore, one of those things where
there more substance in the toy addition than the book itself. The remarkable bit is that it shoots 35mm, not 120 film like cheap Holgas or LC-A's. As a TLR it's more interesting than staring through plastic squares of other toy rangefinder cameras. It's also quite cute, being appropriately sized down. Depending on whether to buy it off ebay for $12 or buy used for that domestic shipping.
Completely forgot to mention, I finished sewing a Veschemok-inspired pack. Also made an A-frame with bamboo and provisions for the backpack to attach to it, but ideas are still up in the air. Prioritized minimal seams over everything else, the process of visualizing the final product was so different from sewing clothing it was rather novel.
Finals is next week. Drinking after class, sorta regretted it. Bar was great, you buy 3 tickets for 330 yen each to spend on whatever drinks/food you choose. Went with a mix drink I've never heard before, jerk chicken, and a prosciutto pizza. Small portions as expected but you get to have a variety of stuff. Spoke about politics and identity with the aus and chinese guy, than was fun. The deafening music was awful though, I've come here to talk, not to listen to your mid 00's house spotify playist. Wasn't on the same frequency as the nz or french guy. Ducked out early to have a more sedate dinner with the chinese guy, I really enjoyed it.
There were segments we were able to respectfully disagree on, which made for a really nice back-and-forth. It all revolved around our personal approaches to friendship and relationships. His mindset reminded me of the unrepentantly pragmatic south african guy, even extrapolating into romance. "Sorting through people worth my time" in a sort of shotgun approach. Very competitive machiavellian guy. We nailed it down to divergent goals we have: he's after success, I'm after enjoyment. He framed american friendships as cyclical and surface-deep which I disagreed with.
Been sleeping more than usual, that's a bad sign.
just 20 pages of essays to go AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
squeezed in a trip to book-off during consciousness-altering sessions of slamming a keyboard. Figured new years cleaning would bring virgin garage contents into thrift shops and the like. Came out with a new photobook, and some weebshit. The photobook is a collage of innocence, pictures of secret bases built by kids inside suburban forests and inbetween houses. Nature photography but about pillow forts. The photographer even managed to interview some of the kids, and quotes periodically dot every other photo. A comfy book that will unravel any reader's crstallized adult persona. The second is pure weebery, a headphone review book adorned with anime girls. I bought this because it incapsulates the early 2000's, both in the now-antique models of headphones, as well as the now-extinct artstyles.
I'm in love with the 35 SP, this is a satisfying camera. Also made photobooks.html, finally recognizing what I collect as an active hobby.
Finals, not much sleep. This is a familiar feeling. Having mom over is an immense relief, I can really focus on my exams.
Loving dad's old linen pants. They're just unreasonably wide. Skinny pants in every coord is just boring, I now realize that. Re-watching Yuru camp with my yuri goggles on. Late night NHK documentary about alzheimers, following a former Alzheimers reasearcher now in his eighties. His infantilization is crushingly depressing, herded alongside other pensioners by prancing baby-faced virile caretakers in scrubs eager to fire up whatever neural connections are left in that pile of bones. His daughter is starting to lose her paitence with someone who has no agency over his condition. His wife reminds him to finish his food while still referring to him as Dr. But by far the worst ingredient was his lucidity though all of it, expressed in journal after journal that bears down and suffocates you the longer you watch. He becomes uncertain about how much he can trust his memory, cognizant of the progression of his disease, hyperaware of the tension that his condition is causing between him and his adult daughter. At one point he asks, "how am I going to feel when I've started to die?"
Delightful last Education class, one of my favorites this semester. Spontaneous decision to go drinking, French guy (as always), aus, as well as the nz guy from before. Bitching about scomo, japanese companies, and americans in general. Drank brown sugar shochuu for the first time and went back to campus after grabbing drinks at a convenience store. Went up to the 7th floor at south hall, talking about past relationships. There was a crowd of passing Japanese students oogling at us 4 dumb motherfuckers drinking outside in 5 degree weather. Distinctly remember one doing a double take after seeing our beer cans. Mingled with a canadian guy there who seemed really nice but he decided to spend his time elsewhere. Hopping izakayas and we went to a Chinese place that the French guy's old boss runs. We got a plate of ribs for free, that was cool. The gyoza was insanely good. NZ guy was a bit of an oddity for me, he reminded me of a friend from irvine. A joker at heart but you can never really read their true emotions because of it. Just a stream of banter coming out of him.
hopelessly bickering with the family, our way of welcoming the new year. It's an interesting dynamic, to fight with someone you know you'll have to depend on in the future. Add them being family and it's an odd sensation. You hold them in enough contempt to tell them to fuck off, yet not in a literal sense. This is what being an adult is like I guess.
There's an unquantifiable discomfort with how nice mom is. A completely new sensation, to be shocked at the utter lack of baggage from someone who has seen me through all the cripplingly embarrassing regrets accumulated across 20 years of being their crotchspawn. And I thoroughly welcome new sensations. It's what draws me to the urban hell of Tokyo, the crushing isolation of living in a plaster apartment, the impostor syndrome after somehow graduating high school.
But the big one with mom is the word "unconditional." Mom isn't trying to get something out of me, nor does she have a preconceived image of who I am that precipitates into neuroticism that hangs over every interaction. She hasn't changed, I have. The past 3 months I've always been mindful of what I owe, what I've done, anything that will inevitably be used against me during an argument. Because that happens. Every shred of affection I've contextualized as a favor or reciprocal payment towards some debt. It's been all business with my sis, a sort of ritualized dance of victories and defeats, trying to keep your ratio of contributions and debts even as argumentative leverage. I've learned to be suspicious. And that new framework for dealing with family is so utterly incompatible with my mom that it's frankly distressing.
But I get it, I lost my temper today. Undoubtedly made the situation worse.
new years resolutions uhhhhhhhhhhhhh I think last year I said I wanted to study abroad in Japan. Everything fell into place and now I feel like a completely new person. Not that but this place has aroused a short-lived fervor, but it's enabled me to consistently act and think like when I'm on a "good day" in the US. Has transformed the number of people I'm with, the type of risks I'm willing to take, the amount of social awkwardness I'm able to stomach.
I dreamed that I went to a resturaunt inexpicably run by Gassymexican and my crush was there. She refused meet eyes with me or talk to me I wonder what that represents HMMMMM
Anyways, new years resolutions? 2020 is the year I'm severed from uni permanently and thrown into the meat grinder so a job will probably lodge itself as my most pressing priority. But that's boring as shit. Sew more women's clothes so I can crossdress? Collect furniture so I don't have to live out of cardboard boxes? I think it's sew clothing to the degree that I can always wear something I made. Because I have under 10 garments total, I tend to save them for special occasions and just throw on a middle school sweater when I'm off to the shop. I want my creations to be so numerous that wearing them becomes as casual and carefree as those tattered school uniforms. But that's a bit benign and attainable. Truth be told, I don't know what will happen to me this year. Might become a NEET, might get a soul-extinguishing job, might live under a bridge playing salarymen skinflutes for pennies.
Sushi with grandma and uncle's side of the family. Filling up my green tea repeatedly until it becomes an unrecognizable sludge. Aroused enough courage to take candids of some kids in another booth, fully internalized the possibility of being publicly executed by their parents. Remember that tourist who put his gopro on the sushi conveyor belt to film strangers eating at their booths? I felt just like that shithead, except I can't pretend to not know Japanese. I feel really bad about my uncle. Holiday interactions with him have been inadvertently avoidance. If I was him I'd think "fuck, this kid must really dislike my company." I think he's a fascinating dude and he's taken on a more dad-like persona than my dad. I just can't read old Japanese men emotions so I always clam up. Come to think of it, their side of the family is just odd.
Took a brief trip to Musashi-Kosugi on the way back, the famously gentrified bit of Kawasaki that used to house the factory-working underclass. Lots of department stores and high-rise apartments. Discovered that a Muji was having a closing sale and we looked through it a bit. 50% off is great but the shelves were almost bare, thoroughly picked through by out-of-town proles. Saw a bluetooth speaker for $50, the same lineage as my CD player. Some white sneakers for $30, not terrible but they're not brown. A bucket hat but it's nylon and too small. Off to the women's corner for some clothing inspo and there it was, a Chuba Coat. $30 down from $100 and what else could I do. Still a polycotton mix, but it's just so weird that I love it. Might be difficult to coord though, as it's a knee-length coat that obscures a lot. Maybe a strange backpack.
Realizations and epiphanies of 2019:
•I rarely notice my tinnitus, probably a bad thing with the noise pollution
•Maybe making Japanese friends might be trouble than it's worth.
•I need to be more literal with other international students, my method of communication that I'm used to doesn't work on people who are trillingual. (learned this through texts)
•The distress of being unsure about your housing extrapolates to all other aspects of your life.
•My style of dress is odd, even in Japan. Previous "fuck, everyone's well dressed here" was applied to clean-cut squared away types, not earth-hovel dwelling types like me.
•Alcohol plays an important role in social lubrication, it's the grease on the broomhandle. Alcohol is terrible and expensive but it has a use in my life. Will never drink by myself though, that's stupid as hell. Then again my granded quit cold turkey at 75 after smoking for 40+ years. Addictive personalities don't run in our families and in my case it's quite the opposite.
•Yokohama is rather dry and quite dirty
•I love Saitama, pretty sure that sentence has never been uttered before.
•Living close to the station is absolutely HUGE.
•Pants are very important. I had a habit, like I imagine most people, to fixate on big, exciting stuff like jackets and shoes. A Kapital Tri-P is still one of my grails but I can't really imagine myself doing it justice. I'm 80% legs so pants usually determines what my outfit's silouette is going be.
•It takes multiple wears to really put together a cohesive outfit. Oogling at yourself in a mirror doesn't convey how restrictive it is, how the assembly flows during movement, or just how inconvenient wearing a pants without ass pockets is. Conversely, some colors and garments I've initially disliked have become some of the most-worn. And that's part of the fun in clothing, when it all comes together. Creativity when I'm designing clothes, improv when I'm sewing, creativity when I'm arranging outfits.
WW3, here we come. Killing Soleimani was the absolute lowest-IQ option.
Sedate day cooking, walking around town, taking photos at night. Finished the Fuji Super G 400 rated 100 iso at the small temple nearby with amber lights. Only 2 or so shots that I'm confident in, the rest were rather forgettable. I'm more liberal in terms of what to shoot now, I find that having an unshot roll in my camera hangs in the back of my head. I need to go back to be more deliberate and picky. Looking to put a test roll through the 35 SP next. I know what to expect from the C35, and I'm a bit worried about daily carrying the Petri Color 35.
An advocacy commercial promoting greater acceptance of service dogs, this one got to me.