Entries ordered new ~> old, updated every 2 days or so.

  • 2019 entries - You are here!
  • 2018 entries
  • 5//19

    Veep

    5/22/19

    Last night I was just bored. PC was molasses, manga was unappealing, wi-fi kept crashing. Went to bed in frustration. I realized I don't feel the same urgency when I waste my time anymore. The feeling used to be spurred by the nebulous adherence to "progress," or the sensation that I was devaluing my "good years." Iunno.

    (1) This manga finally popped up, I've had it noted for ~3 years now.

    Need to think seriously about a PC I'm going to bring to Japan. No way I'm carrying my shitbox of a desktop, or this T420s with an OS I'm not totally content with. Will need also need a 2TB HDD to house everything.

    Dropped my camera like a baby while walking back from campus aaaaaaa

    5/23/19

    5/24/19

    Linux is just frustrating. I'm borderline technologically illiterate but I thought ubuntu would be a managable plaform. The toil of finding equivalent programs, then discovering they've laid stagnant for 4 years. Compromising on preferences because there's no working alternative, menus with surprisingly little latitude. Not allowing animated wallpapers or extracting files without tinkering. File managers with no drag-and-drop!!!! It all feels like a half-baked mess that I have to go out of my way to configure. I'm sure those more patient or vigilant is ecstatic with the control and speed, but holy hell I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered.

    Trying to configure Ubuntu so the experience isn't like juggling hot iron, deciding whether to buy a laptop or build a mini-itx PC, it's all stress with zero return.

    Reading the Unabomber's Manifesto. I like how he contexualizes personal fulfillment: The creation of artificial goals for the sake of gratfication, unable to be sourced in other facets of modern life. The other segments really scream "a guy in the woods wrote this." It's similar to how Conservatives look back fondly on a past that never existed, the Unabomber's conception of primitive man excludes the "collective" as if it never existed. It does paint an accurate picture of fatalism and loss of agency in modern society, but it's neither eloquent nor is there any profound evidence. The formatting is also just schizophrenic.

    5/14/19

    So my process of looking for manga is this: I wait for something to float my way and I download it. If it's good, slap a dated review on it and divide it by finished/ongoing series. If it's shit, then I rename the cover with a short review and I save that. It must've been a year in when I started to do this, so the numbers should be a bit higher. Regardless, here is the rejected folder.

    I'm surprised frankly. I have 763 series saved, so my keep ratio should be around 1:1. There's been months where I would burn out sifting through all the bad manga but it turns out this process is more productive than I thought.

    Doris Day passed away, that's a shame. I hear an owl outside.

    5/15/19

    Rain tonight. Drinking rooibos tea with too much honey, like mom used to make it. My Bernie sticker came in the mail, slapped that boy on my stereo receiver.

    More manga, the girls' love one is so sickly sweet I feel I don't deserve it. Waiting on the "married and living together" arc.

    The site redesigning has been going alright, music player is still broken. Now it works? what the fuck I also feel like opening this page eviscerates firefox. Misty's World started a page of official otome game buttons, I should look around as well.

    5/18/19

    Dreary sort of day without rain, really sucks up my motivation. Tinkering with Ubuntu, not quite where I want it to be. Found a tabbed file manager (Polo) but it doesn't have support for drag-and-drop. Unlikely to be my main OS for now. Found the /r/sexworkersonly subreddit and it honestly presents a baffling image of sex work. Good exercize to take a step back and confront my biases.

    (1) More of this, by the author who made Ikamusume. The characters are always great, although I'm impartial to the teacher as always (2) An isekai that leans towards fantasy, female MC in a pseudo-harem. So many lusty long-haired anime men you start to see mosaics with all the chisled jawlines. (3) A quite shit romance about slut rehabilitation essentially. MC's are boring and the other characters are such shuddering cocks they should be the first to go in a state-sanctioned culling.

    5/20/19

    Dreamed that it started snowing at the apartments, then I was holding up someone trying to hang themselves.

    Browsing Tohno-chan is really a ride. Too familiar in a way. It's interesting to see posters talk about their "normal periods," before their degeneration into NEETdom. I like the site compared to other ch clones because it's sincere. There are no facades, everyone is frank regarding how they feel and quick to call out bullshit. Even in the jaded, insular NEETpile there plenty of self-reflection. The thread "Post Cute Anime Girls Every Time you Think About Killing Yourself v2" encapsulates the whole sentiment well.

    Interesting question I saw. "Would past you be proud of you now?" I'm honestly surprised to say yes. I have sources of gratification that aren't quick and dirty, my life is finally going somewhere, no matter how opaque it may look to me. I just need to find my priorities again and manage my time properly.

    (3,4) This series again, the sort of manga where your insides get torn up and expelled. Not strong enough to read it quite yet. Give me a sappy shoujo.

    I really like Zabadak, even though I'm a picky fucker in what songs to save. Very atmospheric, very lovely.

    5/15/19

    Activated charcoal in food is one of the stupider trends in recent memory, at least truffle oil won't absorb your medications and ravage your gut flora.

    5/17/19

    http://machonne.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-38.html http://king-cr.jp/special/yosuganosora/images/special/stage_l.jpg Found the /r/sexworkersonly subreddit and it honestly presents a baffling image of sex work. All the posts are about complaining about clients. Retirement posts are celebratory. It tells me there's a fairly variable spectrum from sexual enjoyment to toleration. Anyway, there's 3 main points that I want to tackle. 1. Sex Work as another facet of feminism and sex positivity. I don't buy it. It is true that women in sex work are granted autonomy over their bodies and the clients they choose. But reinforcing male desire that is then antecedent to commodifying sex doesn't scream feminism to me. And so many of the horror story posts revolve around what happens during a session, after the SW's screening and price negotiation. "I tolerate sleazy dudes who have a high probability of subjecting me to horrible experiences I complain about on reddit but I get paid." All these first-hand accounts of these awful encounters project "I can substitute consent and respect with money," to my male brain, not exactly the message what I was expecting. And of course sex positivity isn't exclusive to sex work, and I'd argue is an uphill battle under that context. When SW's are talking about married men as clients of course there's going to be a cultural backlash in this christian-normative hellscape. I also saw posters flat out calling themselves misandrists, which is truly baffling. It would be too easy to wrap up all these loose ends with "I guess they just have different viewpoints to sex." 2. I can't internalize the parallel made between sex work and other professions with ups and downs. A shitty day at work means a ruined mood, not sexual assault. When it's something so intimate and reliant on mutual trust, It doesn't sit right with me to commodify it. 3. Police officers that have sex with SW's and arrest them afterwards is repugnant, no question. But I've seen multiple people call it rape, and it's an interesting paradigm around the formation of consent. There's one aspect where my opinion hasn't changed though, sex work shouldn't be criminalized because that disproportinoately effects women who have no other options, stuck in a system that's eager to criminalize them but not provide alternatives. But following my logic, only poor people should be subjected to the shit sandwhich that follows sex work? Sounds classist. But sex work is always going to exist, and will be amplified by poverty.
    Canon P Petri Color 35 Olympus 35 SP Minolta SR-1S Club Stubborn Dress Shirt Club Stubborn Anorak? Czech M60 Rucksack Raichle Hiker Boots Gaiters ?Swiss SM-74 Gas Mask Bag ?iems ?LG V20 W 9.5cm L 10in 25cm

    5/10/19

    Took a nap and I can't sleep, might as well work on a new sidebar for the site.

    Things are going well. Mid-A's so far. Still have to figure out my medication and passport for overseas. Spending a bit more on food, I don't have a cloud of guilt over me after every synthetic meal I eat. Came out to be around $6 a day which isn't bad considering the dining hall's extortionate prices.

    I think I'm done looking for film cameras. Of course I'd love to grab a Canon P, Petri Color 35, or Olympus 35 SP for cheap but I've looked through most others and I'm just not terribly interested.

    good god tabi no tochuu is such a good song

    Watching more Senryuu Shoujo, Sewayaki. The first person character-talks-to-you-directly segments are really something. If I was depressed I'd probably start crying and question my worth as a collection of atoms.

    Some really cool stuff from a Chinese clothesmaker called Club Stubborn. I love the use of hook fasteners, Fabric choices seem deliberate and prices are actually fairly reasonable. Might actually grab some.

    I have a bunch of saved videos from snapchat and while travelling, might upload that as a compilation video like CHKilroy is doing. Wish I filmed more back then.

    5/13/19

    More Veep, Mike is my favorite character. As far as the worst human on the show Jonah is too easy of an answer with his leacherous pick-up lines and colossal ego. My pick is Dan, he would suck sewage out of a coffee straw if his job was on the line.

    Only around 40 days left until my time with this university is over. Hasn't felt like 3/4 a year, there's sort of an empty void in my memory after leaving home. Days melt into weeks but the months are long. That makes no sense, of course. As a whole I haven't been overwhelmingly busy. I've done an alright job in managing my personal time. Manga, Anime, TV, a decent spread on all 3. Deficiencies in ASMR, which is why I have 10GB of free space on my HDD. Hobbies have been constrained by the location of where I live, but I've sewn up 5 garments during break (3 of which I'm very happy with).

    I've been trying and failing to contexualize my lack of introspection ever since getting here. There's two ways I can frame the entire thing: my neuroticism was born out of deficiencies in suburbia and deemed irrelevent now, or I've unconsciously learned out to ignore it. Neither looks particularly flattering to me. I've accepted that my obsession with progress and hobbies was a byproduct of time constraints born through working and the fatalism of knowing my life wasn't going anywhere. Might as well cop some cheap short-term gratification by buying shit, right? Issue is that framework for approaching my day-to-day has fallen apart since getting here. As a result, I'm unable to analyze my personal life with any sort of earnestness. Escapism to ambiguity.

    But there's one terrifying prospect that I'd rather not visualize: I might be content with my current life. It would make sense if my neuroticism was born out of a generalized anxiety about my life trajectory. I constantly felt I was at a crossroads with options slipping away every day. Now, I don't stress about hobbies because clothing and film cameras satiates me. I don't think about my career because I have shit lined up for at least the next year.

    But that also means this is the emotional apogee of my life. In my mind satiation shouldn't feel both overwhelming and deficient like this. It also means the range of issues I faced in suburbia are just latent, not buried and dealt with. Directly tied with my life circumstances, things can get just as bad as before without my experiences here being a meaningful lesson. Again it simply feels like monotony was replaced with a more involved monotony. And above all, there's no academic outlet to look for direction. There's no objectivity in my perceptions of life progress. Self-help books written by dusty spiritual men are less productive than boofing veterinary tranquilizers.

    My main takeaway from the last year is how much Neocities has taken front and center. I initially chose this username as a joke. My only experience in coding was changing colors via CSS on subreddits. I'm not a particularly competent writer, my nostalgia and friendships page is testament to that. I burn out rather quickly through hobbies, I'm an impatient fuck. Even when sewing there's periods of 6+ hours non-stop passionate work, then 2 days of nothing. And yet I really think this site has given me a semblance of structure and incrmental progress. When making this page before leaving for Uni I only had ~5 mediocre pages ready from a previous blog, even some of those are still evolving. Right now I'm still pondering whether the new sidebar is up to spec. But Neocities forces me to take everything bit by bit, and I recognize that it's a positive addition to my life. This site is now in my top 3 most visited, right alongside Youtube and Reddit. But above all, the feedback is just inexpressible. The luxury of having others read your otherwise unvoiced thoughts, to have them appreciate a sincere part of you. Just amazing.

    oh my lord a guestbook comment, i'm quakign with delghit :DDD

    5/6/19

    Parents seem to be enjoying Japan, good for them. Especially my dad, he probably hasn't been back for 10 years. I'd like to be there before my grandparents kick it.

    Took the Retina IIA out again, it's a joy to tinker with. No framing lines still suck but I hope the viewfinder coverage is like an SLR, we'll see. I have to shed the urge to save my rolls for Japan, if I get in it'll be the last I see of this uni. The Electro still has half a roll of Ektar in it, might use the Konica C35. No idea if it has shutter issues. I really need a Czech rucksack to go with my clothes, getting dressed always seems like a balance of vanity and convenience. It is strange to think I've become so engrossed in these two hobbies, 3 years ago at Community college my private life felt a bit more narrow and insular.

    I realized that I need to break out of this "vaccum" mentality. I'm never not living in a vaccum, the more thought I put into one aspect of my life it subtracts from another. Suburbia is emotionally isolating but it's no more insular than living here, I just have a different set of obligations. Now will the same be true in Japan? What will I miss from this Uni? That's the big question.

    I'm really a night owl. Maintaining a sane sleep schedule and hoping for personal progress is futile. There's something about the day that keeps me from doing what I like. It's quiet and I can ignore the passage of time when it's pitch black. I've been feeling alright but I'm left wondering if I'm reverting back to my "the best is yet to come" mindset. What if Japan isn't up to my expectations? Will I be utterly fucked?

    And I got a guestbook comment: why Japan? I've touched on it here and there but not in any meaningful capacity. From a purely pragmatic standpoint, studying abroad is somehow cheaper than a year here. I'm able to take some pretty diverse classes in English and Japanese, and it opens up opportunities if I ever want to jump countries. Personally, I'm curious to how I'd fare living there, just in the day-to-day repertoire. Japan as a whole is an assault on the senses and i've been bitching about feeling isolated for 6 years now. We'll see if it's what I've been looking for.

    holy fuck it's may already

    5/7/19

    Saw odd reactions to a Japanese news article about a tiny anti-monarchist protest at Shibuya. 40 nationalists show up and you know the deal. On twitter, disparaging comments from all over critical of protesters "disturbing the peace." You see Japan as a whole is extremely politically apathetic and has US-levels of voter turnout. Universities especially were under the state's watch after the Vietnam-era antiwar protests in the 60's, and have been largely depoliticized, something utterly unimaginable for Americans. As a result the same political party has been in power for two decades, utterly inept at stemming the economy's slow descent.

    Yet culturally, there is a francophile-level reverance of French institutional values like liberté, égalité, and fraternité. It just seems utterly contradictory to me, to revere such values and be rendered completely flaccid at the sight of any civil disobedience.

    If the admiration comes from a place of envy, a recognition that something is deficient in Japanese culture whether voter participation or civil rights, then my question is still up in the air. If it's the French's unwavering convictions in institutions and not their core ideologies that are the source of this admiration, then it must mean they're satisfied with the current political arrangement. Japanese voters seem to show that, and it goes along with the homogeny and cohesion of a collectivist society. Also explains the disgust for any movement that aims to shift the discourse. In that case, I can't sympathize with their worldview.

    "Collectivist" is also a strange label to slap on Japan, more on that later...

    (1)Took 4 volumes to finally pick up. All the relationships in this book need some sort of mending, engaging stuff. Surprisingly I can't say I enjoy the romance bits but the dude is an interesting character. I'm left unsympathetic to the MC, her motives and emotions are fairly opaque. (2) Lovable cooking twink.

    5/8/19

    Reading through the Madoka anthology, one of the arcs involved Kyouko growing her own apples instead of the insinuation that she steals them. Ridiculously puerile, I love it. Mami also can't take a break, she's somehow the sanctioned punching bag of the series despite QB's existence. P U B L I S H E D 2 0 1 3

    Decided to add a link to my discord channel that I use as an inspo dumpster. We'll see.

    Went to load a roll of C200 (the 36 exp stuff!) and the canister is bent, continuously tearing sprocket holes as a result. noo

    5/8/19

    Watching Veep, it's filled with repulsive humans 10/10. Keys in TF2 are 46 ref now, how is that even possible

    PROTECT THIS SMILE

    5/1/19

    Saw a girl wearing lolita on the bus today. Sorta jealous to be honest. Anything frilly kicks you from androgynous into feminine. Speaking of clothing, I wore my anorak the other day. Takeaways are that I should've stitched the arms parallel to the body, sort of hard when it's a pullover. I really enjoy it, probably my favorite thing I've made so far. Need to start making embroidered tags for all my clothing.

    There it is, the end of Akkun. Good character development, especially the teacher+student pair. Overall I really liked it, probably in my top 10. Didn't really expect that after watching the anime. Above all the interactions with the parents were great.

    Study abroad withdrawl deadline is in an hour, here we go. If my GPA doesn't make it I'm dropped from my program and charged $600.

    5/2/19

    Had a talk about paraphilia with that roommate. Inevitably the conversation turned to my existential compass, bigkneelover, as well as a Keith Haring fleshlight. Watching more JPTV like Getsuyou and SummersxSummers. Black Mirror and Breaking Bad are on hold.

    convincing evidence against democracy, or maybe civilization as a whole

    Some small updates here and there, I like how K240DF and K240Sextett turned out. I need to be in a bad mood to write some of my more serious pages so that'll be on hold until I crash and burn on an exam.

    5/3/19

    Killed that exam. Some more grotty postmodern GL on my plate, there's something about dark romance stories written by women that gets to me. I can just compartmentalize and brush off stories about sex or infidelity but most of these stories revolve around intimacy swapping sides.

    I used to call pinterest the anus of the internet until I discovered that every college-aged woman I know uses it. Now without ublock, I discovered the internet is the anus of the internet. A true hellscape of pop-ups and redirects.

    40,000 site views. The pressure is on to write coherent pages. It's insanely flattering to have that many people read what I have to say. Dannarchy also made a button for my page totally unprompted, I felt my heart flutter a bit. Tinkering with custom cursors at the moment.

    Looking for a czech backpack, I desire something b r o w n

    5/5/19

    Canon P Petri Color 35 Olympus 35 SP Czech M60 Rucksack Raichle Hiker Boots Gaiters ?Swiss SM-74 Gas Mask Bag ?iems ?LG V20

    4/23/19

    Even more CSGO with the buds, free for all deathmatch on pool_day as warm-up. Comp is a shitpile

    Interesting experience taking redundant classes. Psych as a whole seems even less tangible when accounting for the DSM's prognosis methods and decline of psychotherapy. As with any subject that has a clinical background, its problem-centric and outcome-driven ethos has led treatment towards medications. There's also issues in theorization regarding the formation of disorders like depression.

    Sociology in contrast, is about deriving theories about social structures from existing data. It's an intersection of history, ideology, and statistics. Similar to psych in that the outcomes are tangible, but this time the origins are up for interpretation. The latter has been criticized for being "watered down" and too broad but in a theoretical standpoint psychopathology has just as many issues. Also sitting through my statistics class makes me want to light my pubic hair on fire for entertainment.

    I used to play Repawn Inbox on repeat through middle school. It was a show hosted by Seananners, Hutch, and MrSark as a way to promote new gaming videos on Machinima's main channel. Gradually it evolved into a loose-knit show of its own with Q&A and podcast segments. Starting around 2015 the videos started to get taken down for "false advertising." By then the hosts had left and no one seemed to care.

    Well, here it is. The guy who made the "best of respawn" video is back, re-uploading episodes. I saved a bit but this dude has fully pulled off this reanimation.

    4/25/19

    Roommate is watching Veep with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, seems like the flavor of comedy is right up my alley. Actually reading through the Madoka Anthology now.

    Peekin into some of Naked & Famous' newer releases. Fabric looks mighty enticing but $200 is prety steep. Buying from Tate and Yoko is also pretty sketch. Waiting for them to go on sale.

    Sort of odd couple of days to be frank. Been busy, probably not as last quarter, but until noon is dedicated to class. Lots of manga, not many books, zero anime, zero ASMR. Living here fucks with your perception of time and my other roommates have voiced the same feelings. but Every day feels exceptionally short but the months feel long. Doesn't feel like I've been here for 6 months, to be honest. It also feels like most days pass in an instant. On rare occasions I'm surprised how slow the clock is, and I'm able to make reasonable progress on this site or reading manga. How I perceive the same amount of time at home is still up in the air.

    The big question. Do I feel like I'm making progress? Probably not. Studying at a uni is tangible long-term progress but It doesn't register. What about short-term progress/gratification? well, I really don't have much new, other than this site. Minimal gains in new music, youtubers, art, etc. Not to mention my snails' pace in making clothing. This site is really my crown jewel: Visible steady progress, accessible in my day-to-day, I get reinforcement sometimes via questbook comments.

    Then again I have to recontextualize how I view progress as an adult, That really takes precendence over anything else, trying to analyze my progress without it is a futile attempt at trying to understand myself, My journal entries from 3 years ago have repeated themselves once again, too busy to be introspective.

    My roommate quipped how he's ambivalent about living here, I need to pick his brain about that. Much of today's entry sounds negative but I'm just confused.

    4/26/19

    Actually got into the class, no summer school for me. At the study abroad orientation I saw someone from the party, we're going to the same Uni. She seems nice.

    Been eating well lately. Dipped into the frozen block of cookie dough. Acne is going down. Sewayaki is crushingly depressing. The MC being fascinated by eating and sleeping is the apogee of the Japanese experience.

    4/28/19

    Watching Black Mirror, only 8 years behind. It's fantastic. "The Entire History of You" is my favorite episode so far, I swear I saw it through a trailer/review show somewhere. The cinematography is great and there's a deliberate atmosphere in each episode. The horror bits are the weakest by far though, the actors are great but their lines are repetitive and overdone.

    4/29/19

    Some anxieties regarding my study abroad program, it'd be insane not to havve some. Specifically I'm worried about getting in in the first place with my GPA right on the acceptable border. If I do get in, housing is a huge concern. The dorms are all 30+ minutes from campus by train which is brutal in Japan. And of course, there's the anxiety regarding school itself. If I don't get in I might have the option to graduate a year early, but then I'm just a college graduate. Horrifying to think about, I no longer have the label of "student" to fall back on. Moving back home while I find a job also sounds hellish. Going to Japan is an option but I'm unsure how long my relatives are going to be there.

    Anyway, I didn't get one of my scholarships, which is the catalyst of this verbal diahrrea. Fuck that, I later got one for $2000. Nice. I started a page to track my hobbies/music/TV shows/games played, divided by school year. Might not make it public, iunno. It started off as a notebook 4+ years ago but being online is much more helpful. The elementary/middle school entries are kinda thin, I didn't save much back then.

    More solid manga, how the last one makes a joke about almost getting molested is pretty baffling.

    You nosy lil goon dad lost his job. Going to be difficult finding another one at his age, and he didn't handle getting laid off in 2008 particularly well. I was an oblivious little shit and they did a good job hiding their troubles from us. He's getting severance pay but who knows how far that can go. As far as medical concerns I don't have anything major, just a pile of small worries I've never made the time to check out. How this will effect my perscriptions, I have no idea. I was surprised to find myself just kind of glossing over this. Today while I was walking from class it suddenly popped into my head like a flick was switched on. Instead of confronting my emotions I've developed an impressive skill of compartmentalizing them. I didn't get the class, which means I'll still have to deal with taking it once I come back from my study abroad program. I don't know if I enjoyed the party. I don't even know if I want to go through with the study abroad program if I'm going to be interacting with people like that. There's various scenarios I can see myself in and they're pretty grim. I don't know. I should be feeling shitter than I am right now. That dissonance alone worries me. Buying grocerues are still a pain in the ass. The costco guys don't seem to be fond enough of me to invite me to their outings. Adds a solid 3 hours every two weeks in buying groceries.

    4/18/19

    Last one filled up quick. Got invited to a party tomorrow from one of the Japanese guys. Surpised, thought they didn't really fancy me. If I can't find my slot I'll probably just dip early.

    I'm going to lose my health insurance by the end of May.

    Free 8x10 prints at Walgreens, went for "George bush getting his dick sucked by an alien while painting kids killing cops.” So baffling I had to stick it on our wall. Also moved the "about" section off to a page of it's own, like an improvised garage C-section.

    4/19/19

    New Techmoan video, has some horrifically cheesy 80's ad footage, so saturated it'll cauterize your optic nerves

    I love it. So optimistic yet it's shot with a feeling of isolation, like the British presenter is the last human alive, beaming a demo of mankind's final technological advancements to space before she too is taken by the acid rain.

    Went to the party, it was alright. I had fun but the entire time I felt like I couldn't really connect with anyone, like I was a speed-dating polygamist. Everyone was really friendly though. I didn't get the class I needed, prof ignored my emails. Don't count on PhD students.

    Revisited tohno-chan. /mai/ is a truly fascinating intersection of people, a collection of waifu idolization and existential misery.

    4/20/19

    Roommate is off as always, talk with the Canadians and off to buy groceries. Wrong bus, miserable stuff. Scouted a few shoot locations. I really should've kept up with my buds, they're always a laugh. We need to find more games to play together tho, previously TF2 but now it's all CSGO and KSP. Another Heddels binge, made it to page 60 without noticing. Also read an interesting article on streetwear.

    If anything, streetwear was born as a subculture. It rose from a DIY aesthetic and a loose community of surfers, skaters, artists, graffiti artists, punks, and new wave and hip-hop musicians.

    Yet, of course, many streetwear brands (including Lorenzo’s own) are now deeply ensconced in the system. The majority have outside investment (including Supreme — even before the $500 million Carlyle Group deal) and the fashion industry on the whole has followed streetwear’s lead, eschewing seasonality more and more with each passing year.

    Still, streetwear did indeed once exist outside the established systems of fashion, retail, merchandising, finance, and marketing. It entered the mainstream in 2017, morphing into something new. There’s a simple fact about the movement: it’s easy to produce, relying heavily on graphics and screenprinting rather than cut-and-sew, and it’s culturally viable

    I dunno, I've always been a bit cynical towards streetwear as a whole. Still, reducing it to screenprinted clothing is a bit disingenuous. Hype built by "brand recognition" alone is shallow, but not all streetwear is like that. If anything, genres within the umbrella need to be better defined.

    Started index2.html to keep track of unfinished/new pages. Don't feel like writing today. I always get a ton of ideas right as I fall asleep.

    4/21/19

    Actually watching anime, what a revelation. Just clicked through Amagami but the animation is really good, shadows especially. Still holds up. Tried Ameiro Cocoa, too saccharine. It's a billingual series, how horrific. 八十亀ちゃんかんさつにっき is chipmunk in pacing and oddly specific. Animation style is again surprisingly decent, settings and all. Puts "I don't know what my husband is thinking to shame."

    I'm surprised that Hitoribocchi got animated, it was one of the first manga I saved back in 2015. It's nothing special. BGM is very yurucamp. Sensei is by far the best character.

    Attkun to Kanojo is great. I started out thinking how predictable and unlikable the main couple is, but it develops. The interactions between parents and younger sis + gal game man is great. 2min/25 episodes but it's a good supplement to the manga.

    Senryuu Shoujo is good. It adheres to the manga rather closely and the 4koma format dodges any long-winded camp.

    Sewayaki is a self-indulgent slap in the face. Best exemplified by the end-of-episode bonus where the smol fox is talking to you in first person perspective, like a daydream extracted from a despondent tohno-chan poster. The OP's lyrics has as much subtlety as windchimes in a blend-tec. It's surprisingly polished and lengthy for what was originally a web comic series.

    Watching Thatguytagg, makes me what to edit a highlights video together.

    Honestly I don't know If I can do individual manga reviews in the "recommended" tabs. I maintain reviews for all 172GB of manga, but most of it is shallow, spontaneous reactions. Quantifying what I enjoy from it, relative to everything else I've read, is a bit of a stunner. Making it enjoyable and convincing to read is another challenge. That said, I revised isekaimanga.html a fair bit, should be less schizophrenic to follow.

    I should've added read manga earlier in this journal page. Would extendo lots of things but it's nice to see out of the 127gb of manga I have saved. Once my HDD dies I'll end my life.

    4/15/19

    [1] Started this, it's alright. MC's characterization is a bit leacherous. Need some dreamy dudes to be sold on a romance manga. Artist has a few more romance series that they're done, giving them a look next. [2] Continuation of one of the only comfy isekai manga out there. Somewhat character-centric, not much worldbuilding. Is this technically GL? I also started re-watching one of my childhood anime, Hayate no Gotoku. Hearing the characters say they're 13 years old is crushingly depressing. How long will this nostalgia last, anyway?

    On the lookout for an LG V20, finally trying to retire my Galaxy S5. It's fine on a functional level but there's a torrent of small issues that annoy me with it. Fingerprint sensor is primitive, camera has spots, storage is running out. If I can grab one for under $60 then I'll be content.

    Roommate's gf brought be lavender cuttings, how nice. It would take a month to grow them into a proper plant so contemplating what to do with them.

    4/16/19

    Getting rather questionable regarding my study abroad program. Might have to take a summer class after I come back, which is complicated by housing and the fact that I'm 5+ hours away from home.

    had a convo with my roommate about self-identity. I feel like I was able to express myself better now that everything is written out. Thanks dualidentity.html. Returned someone's ID card.

    4/16/19

    Killed that exam, wololo~

    If I get acne it's an event now. The >5 minutes of washing your face and using suncreen is well worth the effort. I look about 30 as it is anyway. Finished Charlie Brooker's I Can Make You Hate. Yup, this is why I marathoned Screenwipe and How TV Ruined your Life.

    New reads, mein körper ist nicht bereit. [1] The first volume had really cute art and the author has a criminally low number of followers on twitter. Not a literary masterpiece but it's the sort of series I keep in my phone. My initial review was from two years ago. [2] I really haven't explored Madoka beyond the main anime series, lesbianism is canon.

    More of this, by far my favorite isekai series. Lots of time spent on worldbuilding. It's touching on negligible shit like water wells in volume 4 and that's what's great about it. Clothing has a bit of detailed poured into it as well, armor less so. MC might as well be a sack of unbleached flour with a face scribbled on it but the female lead is v cute. Her name? Beretta. Other characters have very deliberate interactions with the MC, very political with lots of contradicting ulterior motives. Art is very soft and pushes all my buttons.

    Sewed on button for the mountain anorak, finally finished the thing. Really happy with how it turned out.

    4/6/19

    first weekend back.

    A bit of CSGO, Multiplayer FTL, Roblox, TF2 with the Canadian buds. Conversations are as inane as ever, from the Halifax glove man to the Falcon sex hats. It's great, rejuvenating stuff. TF2 is fun and the chat is an entertaining wasteland but I'm still pissed that they fucked up Pyro. Also the Piss rifle lost its damage debuff so quick -150dmg kills are waay too easy. Demo grenade launcher alternatives all seem like derivatives of the direct hit, they really need to step it up with those. CSGO is kinda the same, the low ammo sounds and the inability to voicechat with the enemy team piss me off. M4A1-S buff tho, and I'm continually impressed that most people have the self-restraint not to buy the autosniper.

    started the identity page. Oh dear, this one's going to be rough to write. This will be the first time my thoughts on this will materialize in any form. Haven't spoken about it to anyone either.

    4/9/19

    Strange couple o' days. Been playing more TF2, finally fixed my custom HUD. Getting killed by a sign with furry porn on it is why I play. Pathology professor is hilarious and throws in anecdotes from his work in mental hospitals. Even if I end up dropping the class I'll definitely shadow it. Global Conflict prof is another cool dude, very knowledgeable and seems to have travelled extensively. He has first-hand experience interviewing terrorists.

    Took the Retina IIA out but my light meter app is fucked so I shot Sunny 16. Having no frame lines is kinda awful.

    Continuing writing my FE8 page, planning to whip up some gifs. Also finished dualidentity.html, I'm reasonably pleased with how it turned out.

    4/10/19

    Finished the first page of the new fe8 page. Added a few more images and even cooked up some gifs. fav characters page isn't finished yet. Enjoying my classes so far. No tedious assignments or mind-numbing classes.

    4/14/19

    Watching Breaking bad, only 11 years behind. I have a disgustingly long backlog so might as well start here. I love the grotty look of the whole thing and the pacing is really well done.

    Spring cleaning my files. Decided to merge archive, spicy memes, and wallpapers all into one, divided by year. Decided to use bulk rename utility to add prefixes like archive_filename or wallpaper_filename. I have have 5+ folders of just unorganized garbage that I had to go through. Curious the kind of stuff other people save and how they categorize it.

    Like this music video, sorta a cynical, surrealist take on gaudy brash 70's music, complete with pom-poms. The lead singer look reptilian but he's sorta unconventionally attractive, like those gangly fashion models. I envy his hair.

    Made good progress on this site, I think. Been using Wayback archive to selfishly track my progress. I still need to write some of the more stern pages and maybe think of more videogames pages. My mantra is this: unless it's done with the brevity and eloquence of someone like super bunnyhop, reviews are usually fairly boring. Instead, I go on tangents and write about emotions games ellicit. Materialism and consumerism in Skyrim, going through the motions when I was playing Unturned.

    Can't sleep, polishing up the site.

    5/11: coming back to this, one of those songs that stuck in my mind despite not saving it to my phone like the others. Apparently the band has an asteroid named after them, which is rad.

    3/31/19

    Rather painless train ride back. Two girls behind me were broadcasting how unpleasant they were through through gossip. Some people genuinely enjoy being judgemental I guess. I had some time to think and that got me down. Not that I hate returning to the dorms that much, but that being back home revived a previous, very acerbic mentality on suburban life. The sense of futility regarding hobbies and the raging isolation was starting to creep back into view. The way I contexualize my lifestyle is no longer really applicable either, and it took a shockingly long time for me to realize that. "Short-term Happiness/Long-term Progress" complementing each other was the benchmark for my life when I was feeling really shit. Back then "long-term" served a genuine purpose, to keep me from dropping out of high school and resorting to cheap, immediate sources of gratification at home. No clue what purpose it serves now. Through visiting home I also learned "Short term" is increasingly iffy as well. Sewing eclipsed all other hobbies while I was back, and it made the stuff I incessantly focused on at the dorms seem childish and hedonistic. So what now? Do I transition my mentality to one where "short-term gratification/happiness" is the bottom line? Don't my mixed feelings on suburban life contradict that? Do I try to find what "long-term/progress" means to me now? How will it change my daily reportoire?

    I don't know the specifics. What I do know is that I don't feel entirely comfortable at home or at the dorms, and the issue goes far beyond just the amount of free time available.

    Bummed that I couldn't finish the black anorak. Finished a hanten and the mountain parka but here goes 3 more months without a sewing machine.

    oh hey new era name

    4/2/19

    Still juggling classes, might only take 3 to focus on raising my GPA. Profs are interesting but most are still in their PHD program.

    Another redick deal on a film camera: https://offerup.com/item/detail/654448750/

    Just an all-around comfy episode. This host is great, and his humble interactions with the people who know their shit is great.

    Read this

    [1]Even though women in uniform arouse me it still doesn't mitigate the crippling reptition of battle manga. Also the MC's characterization is a smear campaign against all men. [2]one of these eh. More yuri, about a girl who's fallen in love with her childhood friend, who just married her older brother. (No, they're not actually sisters) Triangle relationship series all seem to inevitably melt into one tasteless collective. I'd like to believe that this won't fall victim to that, but it's unlikely. The story could've been about her conflicting affection for both her brother and childhood sister, the plot revolving around balancing her own values and managing reciprocal relationships.

    But as always it all turns into a dynamic of power, not affection. The romance turns into a competition of who can claim :ownership" of the sister. The prod about the two going to a love hotel is just an inflammatory tool that doesn't really move the plot forward. It's supposed to illicit 胸糞 in the MC (and by extension, the reader) Zero time is spent on developing the brother's characterization. He's even shown as somewhat benign and undesirable during the お茶会. Makes it too convenient to oppose their marriage, and that's the boring option when compared to the struggle of intervening in truly great relationship. The MC's main dilemma is the inability to voice her true feelings, not because of any personal, moral objections, but as the "greater good" for her friend. I've only read 1 volume so far, but the emotional damage is immense.

    Stumbled upon my own comment in a guestbook that I have no recollection of

    Watching old Star_ videos and god I really miss the old Degreaser+Flaregun+Axtinguisher.

    also jesus christ it's nearing the 10 year anniversary of k-on i'm prehistoric

    4/4/19

    getting hot lately.

    Longest goddamn week of my life. I think I've made good use of at least 2 days so far since getting home. Not bad, organized my PC, went through manga, etc. Hoping to go take pictures with the Retina IIA over the weekend. Classes aren't bad either. No professors that are mind-bendingly unique like last quarter but they're all well spoken and some are hilarious. My pathology class has a decent bit of historical context thrown in and it's not all biology. The cognitive Psychology Prof, while fresh out of water, seems like a down to earth guy. Afraid of the material getting dry tho. As always, I'll shadow a few classes just to learn. Pissed that I couldn't cut out Friday classes by taking the Global Conflict class. The global studies admin gave me sass after I asked about crashing. The professor himself is a beacon of knowledge and even showed an Adam Curtis documentary.

    I feel like I've been more introspective lately. Do I have my shit together? naw. But it's entertaining to make sense of how your compass extrapoaltes to issues previously out of your focus. Trying to reexamine how hobbies fit into my modus operandi. Am I just burned out? Do they not matter? Is my interest in them region specific? Is it just a hedonistic funnel to channel my frustrations?

    dumped a whole bunch of shit here but I decided it fit better in neuroticism.html. Head over there if you'd like to peek into some true existential dread.

    Jesus lady, don't blame me for your employer refusing to hire new professors. She asked if I was an international student in the middle of our conversation and I questioned her sanity. I wasn't really sure why, nor was it stricly a reactionary "that's racist" response. Took a step back on my reaction to examine why I came to that conclusion. The answer? International students don't speak English here. Regardless,

    But how will I recognize I'm dropped into "real society?" 7 hours of my day isn't tied up with obligations, nor do I have any tangible worries. I don't have any crippling ilnesses, nor any financial troubles. Can the preoocupation of trying to staying alive really grant me enough stimulation that I'm satisfied with my day-to-day? This "best of yet to come" ideology that I recognize is harmful yet adhere to anyway is reducing my life to waiting. Since middle school I've been waiting for something to sweep me off my feet, insistent that anything my surroundings won't satisfy my curiosity. My life is left static, grinding away at this self-fulfilling, isolationist prophecy. Out of it I've attempted to weave some semblance of gratification and progress out of this vaccum. Naturalistic behaviors like hobbies are reduced to fruitless pragmatism and bottom lines.

    It all evolved into a neurotic fixation, a futile pursuit of answers in an environment I didn't understand or care to explore.

    And there's a sudden reiteration that it's not normal to be dissatisfied with your day-to-day. I may mentally disparage those that "waste their time", but that's just my personal benchmark that inexplicably casts "progress" over any sort of immediate gratification. Your roommate scrolling through Instagram? His life is more gratifying than yours.

    It's an anomaly to have 1 day out of the month be a "good day," the rest fading into the backdrop and with it, my perceived passage of time. Nostalgia operates on something fondly reflected upon, no matter how artifically disingenuous or rosy. What do I have that I'll look back on favorably?

    3/26/19

    take a look at this cultural artifact

    A tangent into straitjackets lead me to fetish sites to underground j-rock to 80's japanese dramas. I should watch IWGP again.

    Started watching 男子ごはん. My feelings on the show are mixed but I feel like it encapsulates the early 00's style of japanese TV that recent shows are moving away from. All the saccarine reactions, the sterile sets, the artificiality of it all. Somehow feels more lo-fi than the "walking around" shows. One of the presenters has the personality of a lecture in an extinct language.

    I just realized the bad BGM on VN's are straight out of 80's dramas.

    Looking at those prehistoric fetish sites drilled in how expensive BDSM is. Want a straitjacket to look like you've been freshly institutionalized? $400 for one that's been thoroughly pre-glazed with daddybatter. Time to sew one up.

    The one channel pumping out music of obscure j-rock reiterates how varied interests can be. Nothing really grabbed me but I'm left wanting to know what's so engaging on a personal level. It's the mindset that I'm really curious about, just like the guy who developed TempleOS or chris-chan's preoccupation with sonic comics.

    Retina IIa came in today, Chinese buffet with the folks.

    3/26/19

    I've gained 6 pounds in the 2 weeks I've been here. Nice. Slimming down the food I plan to bring home, probably 30 pounds of stuff in total. Been marathonning Star_ and Jerma the past few days.

    2 hantens are finished, I can finalize their front closures at the dorms. Mountain anorak is almost done, deciding whether to add more pockets. I want to make one more anorak and maybe even

    Grades came in. Yeh, I'm a B student. My interests are broad but I'm not particularly good at memorizing stuff.

    3/28/19

    Grocery run with my dad, we shot the shit and spoke about business and politics. Always frustrating not being able to articulate your thoughts well.

    3/29/19

    Returned the phone my dad found a few weeks back. Reminded me how ancient my S5 was. A 5~6" screen would be great for manga but it's not high on my list, demonstrated with the continuation of my rangefinder camera addiction. Same deal with my Thinkpad T420.

    Speaking of manga, this was pretty comfy.

    Reminds me of 大井昌和, a slice of life that doesn't rely on tropes, nor is it mind-numbingly boring.

    Only have 1~2 days left before I go back. Started packin food. Frankly I'm out of ideas for clothing. Still on the mountain parka and planning to buy canvas for the other anorak. Iffy on the splinter hanten.

    3/22/19

    More sewing, bought 4 years of that upholstery linen. Thought of a new idea for the brown hanten, such an open slate for ideas.

    I really want to make a puffer jacket based on an IJN lifejacket but I don't want to look like a reactionary nationalist shithead. Japanese right-wingers are really bizarre in particular because they support greater military cooperation with the US. If anything you'd expect them to be isolationist but instead it's "was colonialism that bad?"

    Just about finished the grey hanten and man is it satisfying. Bringing your ideas to fruition is like giving birth. It's also remarkable how all-encompassing the gratification is. I really don't have access to my traditional resources for fulfillment like music or manga but that doesn't matter. There's explicit progress that I'm taking part in and it feels great.

    My Japanese is definitely getting better living at home, although talking about specialized topics is still frustrating.

    I really do miss tumblr, it was a great way of finding other bubbles of inspo that are inacessible otherwise.

    3/23/19

    Had dim sum with the folks. A new torrent of BL at the bookstore, also remembered the adorable manga about a guy living with an ghost.

    Under a dry spell in regards to new clothing ideas. tons of inspo but nothing that jumps out.

    Girls Frontline seems kinda arbitrary in regards to character design. Kancolle had explicit historical references and even its chinese knock-off was somewhat consistent. Might as well pair names and character designs via ouija.

    Some really fucking cool artbooks.

    Just finished the ghost manga and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa

    Just the perfect collage of everything. Characters are memorable. Pacing is j-drama-like. Looks and reads like a sappy shoujo manga that I want to directly inject into my retinas. Maybe I should start a "best of" manga page.

    Kaminaji is back from the dead and luckily he seems to have archived more than I did.

    3/24/19

    Slept through the day with jerma autoplaying in the background. Went outside to take a few pictures around the house but I'm nowhere close to finishing a roll. Trying to get photos that encapsulate suburbian life.

    3/25/19

    Clannad is trending on twitter oh god oh fuck

    Watched the 3 hr getsuyou special going over heisei TV shows.

    3/19/19

    Yesterday didn't sleep much, finished my final. Roommate woke up earlier than I did to study, what a goodboi. Went to campus to turn it in as well as my health paperwork. Headed straight the fuck home after that at 12pm. Only 4 or 5 other students at the station seeing as it's finals week. Train ride was alright for 5 hours. Slept a bit and scribbled some new ideas for clothes. Gorged myself on food I can never make back home and started cleaning the fungus off the Olympus lenses (50mm/1.4 100mm/2.8)

    Can't separate the front element and moisure got behind it oh no

    Internet is fucked oh no

    Woke up, picked up the Red Wing Postmans from the office. Started a page on them. They're not particularly rare or expensive so I won't have any regrets beating them up.

    Went shopping for groceries to take home. Nordstroms had a cherry red wing beckman and a brown beckman oxford, both around $130. Bunch of cheese, chips, cookie dough. Also plan to make oven-dried tomatoes as they're light as fuck. Actually wore the Postmans out for the first time and they're not bad at all. The sole is flexible but not springy. The leather is supple. Not knee-destroying like the RW chukkas but my knees can still feel it.

    Had some of this, absolutely fantastic. According to wikipedia

    "In the Netherlands its market share was 19% in 2018, with which it surpassed multinationals Verkade, Mars and Nestlé.[7]"

    Bretty impressive.

    Broiled oysters for dinner and I made some cambazola pasta. Feeling like an African despot. Started on my WWII Gebirgsjägers anorak copy again. It's linen, thick upholstery fabric that I was planning to dye black. Didn't shrink as much as I was expecting so I had to redo the pattern. Also started on another linen hanten, this time in light grey. Hantens are super easy for me now, I can probably get one done in less than two hours if the selvedge is still intact. The old brown hanten I made a while back is too japanese workwear for me. Not particularly pleased with looking like a hot springs owner. Thinking of adding some pleating to introduce some interesting folds.

    3/21/19

    Couldn't sleep last night, this house itself gives me an allergic reaction. The wifi works after a smooth phone transaction with the ISP. Fuck these monopolies man. $50 a month isn't that bad but add in the phone bill and it's a bit much. Atleast I'm not Australian. More unhealthy eating habits but atleast I'm gaining weight now.

    Impressive progress on clothing. Measuring and cutting is still tedious but I actually enjoy sewing now. Mom helped me with the pockets since I'm so impatient. All that's left is the hood/collar of the anorak and some detailing for the grey hanten. I did end up adding pleating and it looks great. Wondering whther I'll wear it as an overshirt or a base layer. Never made an anorak before so I'm a bit nervous with the hood/collar segment. Running out of ideas on what to make, I only have shirt-weight fabric. Went over to the fabric store yesterday but the 20% coupon doesn't kick in until tomorrow. Was eyeing some brown shirt-weight linen and some more upholstery fabric in a splinter pattern. There's the option of dyeing black for the latter as well. Was $15 and $12/yard I think. No terrible but not great without coupons. Also need to look into heavier weight cotton for cold weather clothing. Compare those prices with buying clothes though. One of the reasons why I took up sewing is because I never got quite what I wanted. Customizing something to your liking is infinitely more satisfying than dropping big bucks. I will make exceptions though, like Kapital's ring coat as written in clothing.html.

    Final essay due at midnight today. Got a 4.0 in one of my classes. Fuck yeah. The minimum GPA for the study abroad program is a 3.0. Hopefully I can drive that shit up. Need to think what my classes for next quarter is going to be though, fuck Friday classes.

    what an absolute banger

    I'm very satisfied with how my break has been going. Good food, stimulation through sewing, being around family. I have one week left and I'm emboldened to make life at the dorms as pleasing as I can. Need to maximize my productivity here to accomplish that.

    3/15/19

    The sweet release of going back home is soon. Lectures are done, 3 essays to turn in online and I'm done. As for my study abroad application, the health exam went fine and I'm off to get my letter of rec signed. Need to scan the rest of my shit and upload. Plan to do both over the weekend, but I also need to fit in grocer shopping in there somewhere. Earliest I can go home is the 19th, Tuesday.

    Finally won some Red Wing Postmans for $45. Been lusting for them over several years, finally have a non-boot black shoe.

    I also heard gunshots last night at 3am which was a new experience.

    took like 3 naps today feel ancient, got my aforementioned shit done.

    juggling the possibility of heading home early and fuck do I want to bad. Unusual for me, no? Sure, I miss my parents and sure, home is an oasis of food that won't kill me at 35. But I don't recall feeling the same way last time. I questioned the $80 round trip ticket wondering if it was really worth it. Right now? Fuck money man I'm going home.

    Why is that? Living here has been pretty bad. Just a peek at what my schedule has been like for the last two months.

    Applications, homework, extra credit. Intersections of sleep deprivation, bad grades, and aspirations. I haven't had any time to myself and by extension my hobbies. Notice how my journal entries have been a ceaseless torrent of complaining? Compare that with the numerous pages and hobby entries I was pumpung out.

    It's tiring, it's a ceaseless on button. I can't deal with the baggage that comes with 4 classes, feeding myself, and keeping entertained.

    3/16/19

    More insurance fuckery. I need to go to campus to print and deliver papers so the earliest I can leave is tomorrow. Probably not going to happen though.

    Usually finals are arduous but consistent with the rest of the course and it thematically flows altogether. This time, I have to do a music video analysis, a website analysis, and a conversation analysis. They're all equally mind-numbing. Something like 30 pages I need to write.

    3/16/19

    Finished my application ahhhhhh

    All that's left is one final to submit in person and that's it. Can do the rest at home. One of the essays isn't that bad and is fairly free-form for something worth 30% of my grade. Had my roommate take my ID picture and man do I need a haircut. Reverting back to this look I'm afraid.

    Been looking at these exciters as a portable alternative to speakers. Cheap and small, they turn any thin semi-rigid material into decent speakers. Sound is said to be a bit rolled-off at both ends so it requires some tinkering.

    Issue is, my stereo is gigantic and probably not feasible to bring with me to Japan. A bit antithetical to have compact speakers and a gigantic 70's veneer hunk. That leaves spending more money for a JDS Atom or just ditching the idea altogether.

    new komisan volume aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    3/5/19

    busybusybusy. The extra credit discussion was excellent. Hearing a theorist that I read about in my textbooks talk in front of me was amazing.

    Rearranged this journal page, we'll see how it goes. Might even split it up by 2018/2019. Was considering bundling entries by week but then it results in variable page lengths.

    Sleepy Princess ch10 is out lets gooooooooo

    Thunder outside is redick yo

    3/6/19

    Woke up early to work on homework. God I wish naps worked with me. Where the fuck is my roommate? This man disappears every weekend. Is he even still enrolled?

    sweet heaven above a guestbook comment. I would've said my journals are still negative but I've been busy as fuck this past month.

    3/7/19

    This assignment's going to be late. I just want like 4 more hours to myself. Don't even have time to buy food.

    This is a special flavor of existential pain though, I just want my current repertoire of living to end and eventually it will. A far cry from the neuroticism induced by one thousand cuts of monotonous suburban life. If this was my life while working and I knew that there was no immediate way out? Holy fuck I'd just leave to another country.

    Thank god my roommate's still not home though, I'd have to plan when to sleep and deal with him leaving the door open.

    oh hey star_ is back

    3/10/19

    Not a very sedate weekend but atleast I can wake up in the afternoon. Definitely stress eating.

    Another excellent article by Bellingcat dissecting what really caused the aid trucks to burn up on the Colombia-Venezuela border. The same guys also identified the third Russian in the Skirpal poisonings with publically available information. Or how about identifying the command structure and individual soldiers' identities of a Russian unit by analyzing social media?

    Remembered this podcast series that I used to marathon 2-3 years ago. Need to write it down in my archiving notebook.

    Signed up for some more Econ experiments, last one paid for my groceries.

    I've also decided to start a page on that mom horror manga. Too many intersections with me not to. I don't really know how to pad it out though, I'd like an intensely personal page to also be substancial and well-written.

    Another great deal on a film camera

    3/10/19

    Peeking into /r/lego really makes me want to get back into it but fuck me dead is it expensive.

    Just 7 more days and I can go home. Done with one of my classes already, got 3 essays left or so.

    I was really considering a Mini-itx PC if I got this study program. AMD 2400G, no GPU. 500GB M.2 and 2tb 2.5" HDD. Around $500 which isn't too bad. Then I snapped out of it seeing as this is a consideration that's only relevant well into June. How is my shitbox doing now? It's alright. Need to clear out some files to make space, came close to filling my main 1tb and storage 2tb drives. Want to archive more anime, sort my disgusting pile of manga, and get through some ASMR. Also need to start reading more, it'll probably do wonders for my writing.

    Rather happy with my Thinkpad though. Don't game on it so Ubuntu is perfect on it. The boot drive is an M.2 so I can throw it around. It has 2 slots available for 2.5" drives, which is incredible. Specs are good enough and it does what I use a laptop for, but it does get hot. I also need to find emulator and VPN programs. Maybe running that stuff in WINE?

    What have I been monitoring on ebay? Retina IIA, Olympus 35 SP, Red Wing Postmans. Nothing too new. Hoping for $40, $60, and $40 respectively. Clothing should be on my radar but meh. Have some ideas but no fabric and no machine. That sorta idealism is incongruent with finals week.

    Also holy fuuck remember this?

    3/15/19

    Just horrible.

    2/24/19

    The visitor counter stopped working.

    Finally a quiet weekend, been eating well. Egg + bean sprouts and fish tacos. Been fingerblasting the OM-2n, got around to writing th page for it.

    Got a 4-digit refund regarding my tuition so that's a little less guilt bearing down on my slim, sylphlike chest.

    I need to clean up some of the incongruent pages on my index. Will I really take the time to write about an Austrian lighter? Watches? Need to put my effort more into those introspective pages like neuroticism and catharsis, as well as my nostalgic game pages. Fairly happy with how the manga pages came out. I should add more shows in my TV pages.

    Marathonning Gaki no Tsukai. I have my gripes with the show but it's probably the most emblematic series for early 90's Japanese TV. I still catch up on the annual no-laughing series. I watch it here. https://gakiarchives.com/video_listing/yugawara-part-1/ it even has subtitles!

    But yeah. A fairly sedate weekend. These are nice.

    2/28/19

    Finished the Fire Emblem page yesterday, sorta pleased. My writing has really been all over the place lately, I need to find time to read more.

    Missed the deadline for one of the scholarships offered.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    Can you even imagine losing $5000? I don't even have $5000. Makes all the frugal living I've been sticking with look like a crock of piss. Sorry mom and dad.

    Discovered that next semester could be my last if I took enough classes, skipping over study abroad. Now that's something I really don't want to ponder. Graduating a year early is just a possibility but what would I even do? I'd just revert back to some guy living at home with some expensive scribbles on paper. That's going to be my fate if I piss away this study abroad opportunity. Don't even want to imagine myself in that situation.

    Got a better grade than expected in one of my classes, that was unexpected. The prof is really nice but the material is just so deviant from anything else in this major. I'm continuing to shadow the family & marriage class tho, the one I got dropped from. Getting my money's worth in a way. Elucidating stuff.

    Late night extra credit, getting home at 9, turning in an essay due at 10. At least I got some free pizza from it. Speaking of food I've been really pigging out on hashbrowns.

    Really wish I had more time.

    3/4/19

    Spent the weekend on extra credit events on campus and watching Gakitsuka. Rewriting lots o' shit on here, including organzing this shitpile of a page. Feeling inspired by some writers on neocities, really want to restructure some of my pages. nostalgia.html especially is a mess. Added some camera photos today. Also wrote a bit about identity on my japanese blog, hopefully it's not terribly repulsive.

    also look at this shit

    Spent 4? hours on this assignment I'm not particularly confident in. I'd be ecstatic with a B but TA's seem to have a personal vendetta. I did get a 91 on that Development assignment though, that was a surprise. She must've enjoyed my unneccesary word salad and depiction of Lovecraft being racist as fuck.

    Fought with my roommate. You know I used to hold the opinion that sweating about trivial shit doesn't matter, but it's a useful metric for really seeing what a person is like. I am still around people I have mixed feelings about, but I 100% enjoy their company. I trust them and would have no regrets spilling my emotional mucus all over, I just wouldn't want to be roommates. For my current roommates eh. I do want to get closer to my other roommate though. I don't drink and have no time lately so I haven't been able to hold a deep conversation with him lately.

    I got extra credit presentations to attend, assignments to print out, and an experiment to participate in tomorrow. Just give me like 4 hours of free time allah. I used to stay up late because I absolutely hated the sensation of a wasted day. Back then I'd come home at 3, just physically exhausted but bored out of my absolute mind. Would fantasize about what I would do at home while languishing in class. Stay up til 3 or 4, rinse and repeat. Probably have more Tau proteins than white blood cells by now.

    Still haven't shot the roll of Ektar out of my Electro that I loaded 1 month ago. Met a guy who said he shot with a Leica R3, I should text him when I actually have time. Not particularly compelled to spent money I don't have though.

    Pretty insular living these past 2 months, come to think of it.

    2/12/19

    Another truly hectic, awful week. Parents fucked up filing insurance, which they found out after I told them. Walking to the pharmacy takes 40+ minutes, and I did that for 4 days straight. Still don't have my medication. Really can't trust them for anything.

    My language proficiency exam is in 2 days but I've been so busy I can't make time to study for it. If I fuck up that, that's it. My future is fucked, my housing is fucked, my class load will be fucked. The prof's own language abilities seem not quite native which gives me hope, but my writing might be fucked beyond redemption.

    Been eating like shit too, carbs and instant meals for days.

    2/16/19

    Woke up late, exhausting week. Finished the torrrent of midterms fuckery and my language evaluation test. Ended up buying my medication without insurance because my parents are too inept to renew it on their own.

    Started 2 new camera pages. I still don't have my negatives back so I'm kinda sitting on my hands. Hopefully the Electro ones come out nice, I need something that really makes me faun over this camera. After fixing the C35's light meter I really, really like it. Small and adorable.

    Y'know my roommate is just kinda a dick. Maybe I'm the one slow to warm up and he's more comfortable with me than vice versa, but this is a new revelation. I don't care enough to talk shit about other people, really. Waste of my time.

    Started reading charlie Brooker's book "I can make you hate," sort of a collage of different newspaper articles he's done from 2008~2012.

    Staying up late to play D&D for the first time. Exciting stuff. Slow to pick up at first and is essentially a tedious free-form Fire Emblem. I'd like to help the DM out with new ideas and maybe sprites for the map. One of the auto-generated regions was named "Nambla," which is thoroughly unfortunate.

    The days really are flying by at an unbelievable pace. Any sort of linear progression will inhibit introspection and neuroticism, I guess. I'd like to elaborate more on this in my neuroticism page but man, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.

    Also 20,000 views. huh.

    2/17/19

    Slept for like 15 hours, it's been a while since I've done that. Waking up after dark fucking sucks but hopefully it'll kick off some introspection today. Dreamed about getting shot by a Venezualan teenager and my friend asking if you can die from osmosis while we palyed CSGO.

    I'm happy-ish with the analog cameras I have, although I still need a manual camera. Gave up on medium format, If I eventually get around to it I'll probably just service my Super Ikonta. There is one bit that scares me though. I got an OM-2N for $50 and the shipping got delayed. The moment after the purchase was finalized, I was kinda put off cameras in general. My "ideal" collection is still not finished, no matter how amorphous that may be, but just buying an SLR brought me close to complete disinterest.

    My roommate brought up something like the "cycle of hedonism," and it's eerily relevant to my state of mind right now. Where the pursuit of materialistic items is more fulfilling than the items itself. I'll have to hunt him down and ask what the exact term was. When I was really depressed I made an active effort to avoid being a materialist. Maybe I'm back at a point of mental instability and my maladaptive behaviours have manifested in new ways. It's refreshing to think about, in a strange way. The life I'm living right now is an anomaly and the nagging suspicison that things are quite off was right.

    Taking a step back, I haven't been particularly engrossed in anything for the past month. No TV, no manga, no anime, no games, no reading, just a very surface-deep engagement with all of them.

    Study abroad will be an interesting experience. Race, citizenship, and ethnicity as so closely intertwined that a guy like me doesn't exist in the public consciousness. According to the book I've been reading I'm more likely to be classified as hearing or learning impaired than asian-american. Will I be able to cope with such social isolation? Will I just brush it off? Will I present more of my American side if it's advantageous?

    I do plan on rewriting some pages today, some of them really are schizophrenic sounding. Writing is an interesting one too. Looking back on even just reddit comments makes me go, "Fuck, I wrote that?"

    Running out of food. I've been really battering my body with shit food, I think. Greater appreciation for mom. Thanks mom.

    2/23/19

    got muh OM-2n. It's shockingly small, comparatively tall to the C35 even. I'll have to think long and hard about whether the dependence on battery use is worth the option for aperture-priority and the better metering. Still keeping my eye out for an OM-1 tho, I can always just resell. If you're looking for an OM-2 here's a great deal. Just buy a 50mm 1.8 and you're set.

    Created dualidentity.html. Now that's a page I have to be in the right mood for.

    Started watching Tsurezure Children and man is the manga better. Building atmosphere really is everything. Danshikoukousei no Nichijou did continues to be my benchmark. I also forgot the first chapter references prostitution, that's pretty gross. Still one of my favorite romance series though.

    also GL has medicinal properties

    1/16/19

    15,000 page views. I don't think I've done something that reached 15,000 anything, except maybe apoptosis.

    Definitely went a bit too passionate on the last journal. Painful to read, but I still stand by my thoughts. I just need to frame them more elegantly, I guess.

    Started 4 new pages: catharsis, hobbies, communitycollege, and feelindown. Want to talk more about how I deal with various themes in my life.

    Lots of rain these days. Was talking about shooting film around the dorms but everything looks grey and grotty. Almost got hit by a car, I genuinely considered if shuffling out of the way was a good call. Free tuition?

    1/24/19

    Utterly exhausting week.

    lots of plans for catharsis, hobbies, nostalgia, and feelindown tho.

    Ebay codes have stopped :(

    1/22/19

    on 20 minutes of sleep.

    Stayed up all night watching japanese dramas. nodame cantabile, don quixote, fill me up with that nostalgia.

    Feeling like absolute shit, had to go back to campus for a textbook to do an assignment. 3-6-7-hw-sleep

    Installed Ubuntu MATE on the laptop I dropeed, it's easy enough to use and it's perfect for a productivity laptop. I'll have to look for alternative programs that are on my main PC, mostly osrting and archiving. (MP3Gain, MP3tag, Bulk rename utility, etc.) It'll be a slow trickle, I bet. Might even switch distros, MATE kinda reminds me of android.

    1/16/19

    Dreamed about Charlie Brooker's 2018 Wipe. A man can dream.

    Finished Beelzebub. There's a strange flavor of isolation, strangely. Danshokoukousei no nichijou did atmosphere really well, it turns out.

    Voice actinga and visuals were great though.

    Listening more of The Moth.

    1/28/19

    oh god just freebase the nostalgia into my crundle

    Played lots of trading card games while I was little, and I bought this purely by impulse 3 years ago. I'm anal about anything I spend my money on but this was an exception, and I don't it regret it one bit.

    There's something satisfying about physical cards in front of you compared to pictures online. Maybe it's the foil.

    Got some neat Patagonia stickers in the mail today. I was also looking forward to some from Sierra Club but after seeing an environmentalism documentary I'm not so fond of them anymore.

    1/29/19

    if i make this study abroad happen what would i do with my data? beefed laptop? mini itx PC?

    another utterly ehausting day. Fantasizing about studying abroad and the short nap i had kept me up, probably 4 hours of sleep.

    back home, then off again for textbooks at the library. Hurriedly took notes, then another bus to the grocery store.

    So this is what starving feels like, huh?

    1/31/19

    I've spent around $300 on food over 4 month, ~$75 a month. Not bad when paired with the $100 or so I got from experiements. Tuition and rent are brutally expensive though.

    2/3/19

    Ebay codes stopped for real this time. Probably made ~$100 so far, mainly small stuff like film and an i-clicker for class. Will lessen the impact of a $70 camera, I think. Got like 5 rolls of C200 and 3 rolls of Ektar.

    Fixed the light meter on the C35 but I don't hear the shutter speeds changing. Sucks man.

    Started bidding seriously on OM-2N's. Also considered the OM-1N for the manual goodness but I like the aperture priority that the OM-2N offers, and I'll be using batteries with either witht hem anyway.

    I really need to think about the cameras I'm looking to buy and the roles they will fill. The C35 is still busted and the Electro is really strange. Automated but slow to focus, Rangefinder but huge. It is really going to be that one outlier camera, I think. Fixed the double bag manpurse. A bit rough around the edges but I'm curious to see how it actually works.

  • If I died this moment, what would I regret?
  • Do I crave physical and emotional intimacy?
  • Do I fly out of bed every morning? Napping?
  • I have been more positive in my journaling though, absolutely no question. I can probably bitch until the end of times about myself and my country. Venting doesn't feel productive or gratifying anymore. There's still bits of my life that I need to elucidate, and I should allocate my emotional investment into that. Been talking aobut more deep shit about my roommate on the weekends or when we get drunk. It's nice. Small talk feels superficial.

    dekpi and unimaginable-heights added links to my page on their sites. That's nice.

    1/12/19

    Today was an odd one. Stress from the get-go by getting dropped from one of classes, still waitlisted on another. I really don't want a 7~10PM class. Finished? my new index page. It looks pretty neat I think, a few kinks to work out. I also want to put a gif on the lower rights, that would be fun. Started on a 2018 recap page and man do I have nothing to write about.

    Roommate got drunk, we shot the shit. Spoke about our families, how we judge other people, how we regard "unhealthy" habits. He asked me if I was gay which is a new one.

    Not feeling too hot.

    1/14/19

    this was a pile of verbal diarrhea about romance manga that i still need to rewrite so i don't sound like i need to be institutionalized

    1/9/19

    More $5 ebay codes :)

    First week of classes is always hectic. Picking your courses, scheduling, and this time around, I had my study abroad applications to do.

    You heard me right, I'm going for it. My constant obsession, what my life has revolved and speculated around, is finally a possibility. I slept for 4 hours, agonizing over University choices, finishing the essay questions, and printing on campus. Like a hands-free orgasm when I left that clusterfuck of a hall, arms both liberated of paperwork. My application may get denied of course, but it's an immense relief to finally have an impact on something that I've been neurotically fantasizing for years.

    Roommate saw a girl dressed in an anime shirt and seifuku skirt that looked exactly like me. god i wish

    So far there's been no shocking revelations about living here yet, maybe I just missed my parents. That's another new sensation.

    I fucking dropped my laptop, bought a new M.2 SSD and considering going Linux for the first time. Not a gaming machine, and my only concern is that it can accomodate my data hoarding. I really hope I can get something off of the dead drive, Bunch of stuff I neglected to back up on there.

    1/5/19

    No more $5 ebay codes :(

    Heading home and oh my lord train delays for days.The morning was hectic as always, finished the kimono 10 minutes from leaving. This time around I'm leaving with less mixed feelings. I know I can come back during spring break so that calms my nerves. Decided to take portraits of my parents next time. I had just finished a roll and I was getting tired of C200 and Ektar isn't good for skin tones. Ended up bringing back tons of food, pants/jacket dyed black, Kimono, and the Red Wing chukkas. Decided against the Girards because they'd just get stepped on in the lecture halls. Also brought back some undeveloped rolls of film from the garage, they might be pretty faded though. Both hands are full so I left the lavender sprouts with my parents. Didn't bring the OM-10 with me either, something about SLRs just don't sit well with me. Looked at Zorki 4K's and Retina IIC's. Bretty cool 35mm alternatives. My grandad's Super Ikonta sits at home. I could send it off for a CLA and it would fill a niche in my collection being a 120 camera that's shockingly small. The lens developed fungus while I was gone and the shutter no longer cocks properly. Probably would cost ~$175 + shipping. Overall, a great trip home. Met some buds, made some clothing, ate some food. Oh, and my sis sent me this.

    M A O N

    I'd like to do a 2018 recap page, will probably split up with journal page as well. I have quite the laundry list to take care of before classes begin Monday, so that'll have to wait. Atleast one of my roommates are back. On snapchat it seemed like everyone was dreading coming home, everyone unwinds at the end of the year it seems. I did meet a guy on campus after he saw my camera and we were talking about taking pictures together. Maybe next week. I also need to be more involved with clubs but it really is tiring seemingly "flirting" with japanese guys to get through their emotional barrier.

    The dorms and home couldn't be more paradoxical. I enjoy being solitary while surrounded by people I'm 100% comfortable with. I can get more done in regards to what I'm into without hesitation. The dorms are sensory overload. The only time to unwind is when my roommate is out. Once I step into the living room, I'm in public. I'm not a particularly strong advocate for living in libraries and I really can't imagine somewhere else where I can be comfortable. For what it's worth, I may as well make adjustments to my room so I'm ergonically comfy. Chair is ass, bed and shoes indoors I really can't do anything about. There's a certain R-rated anecdote that happened between me and my roommate but I don't think I'd write it down even on an offline journal. It was pretty funny tho.

    Yeah. Just busy. No real time to get sentimental or too introspective.

    Train ride went from 4 to 8 hours, I'm just lucky it wasn't raining when I got here. Walk to the bus stop was pretty brutal, sidewalks and streetlights are a novel concept apparently. If I was a woman I would've 100% taken a lyft.

    Journal - 2019