this will probably just turn into a verbal diarrhea repository for my ongoing dissatisfactions with life

4/15/2015 (Journal Entry)

Don't adopt a "The best is yet to come," mentality like I did while I was depressed. For me it wasn't working towards a goal. It was relying on fate to hopefully steer my life into something that it wasn't heading towards.

2/23/2016 (Journal Entry)

Today I realized that I was intentionally starving myself from stuff I enjoyed. MEybe it's to make the monotony feel better. Maybe like music, I don't want to revisit the memories associated with them

12/5/18 (Journal Entry)

How I regard nostalgic memories continues to be a cocophany of emotions. Fondness, regrets, yearning. I do my best to avoid ambiguity, yet this aspect of my life has remained indeterminate. I don't know what mindset is right for me when looking back, nor do I have any external references in how others do it. And I don't how it has influenced my behavior today. I'd like to say it hasn't, but there's "zero" days where I choose to isolate myself from anything meaningful. Mind you, this is when I have time to myself. I get my shit done to whatever degree is neccessary, yet I struggle in managing my personal life. Time and time again there's limitless potential on the web, yet I often avoid the things I really enjoy. Research about a next purchase? Headphone forums and Analog photography groups? Easy. Finding new music? Manga? Anime? Movies? I avoid it. Anything that would remain as a lasting, emotional memory has some threshold I just can't get over.

3/31/2019 (Journal Entry)

I had some time to think and that got me down. Not that I hate returning to the dorms that much, but that being back home revived a previous, very acerbic mentality on suburban life. The sense of futility regarding hobbies and the raging isolation was starting to creep back into view. The way I contexualize my lifestyle is no longer really applicable either, and it took a shockingly long time for me to realize that. "Short-term Happiness/Long-term Progress" complementing each other was the benchmark for my life when I was feeling really shit. Back then "long-term" served a genuine purpose, to keep me from dropping out of high school and resorting to cheap, immediate sources of gratification at home. No clue what purpose it serves now. Through visiting home I also learned "Short term" is increasingly iffy as well. I can no longer just "enjoy" something. I'm always concerned about longevity and pragmatism. Sewing eclipsed all other hobbies while I was back, and it made the stuff I incessantly focused on at the dorms seem childish and hedonistic. That didn't last either. So what now? Do I transition my mentality to one where "short-term gratification/happiness" is the bottom line? Don't my mixed feelings on suburban life contradict that? Do I try to find what "long-term/progress" means to me now? How will it change my daily reportoire?


And how will I react when I'm dropped into "real society?" 7 hours of my day isn't tied up with obligations, nor do I have any tangible worries. I don't have any crippling ilnesses, nor any financial troubles. Can the preoocupation of trying to staying alive really grant me enough stimulation that I'm satisfied with my day-to-day? This "best of yet to come" ideology that I recognize is harmful yet adhere to anyway is reducing my life to waiting. Since middle school I've been waiting for something to sweep me off my feet, insistent that anything my surroundings won't satisfy my curiosity. My life is left static, grinding away at this self-fulfilling, isolationist prophecy. Out of it I've attempted to weave some semblance of gratification and progress out of this vaccum. Naturalistic behaviors like hobbies are reduced to fruitless pragmatism and bottom lines.

It all evolved into a neurotic fixation, a futile pursuit of answers in an environment I didn't understand or care to explore.

And there's a sudden reiteration that it's not normal to be dissatisfied with your day-to-day. I may mentally disparage those that "waste their time", but that's just my personal benchmark that inexplicably casts "progress" over any sort of immediate gratification. Your roommate scrolling through Instagram? His life is more gratifying than yours.

It's an anomaly to have 1 day out of the month be a "good day," the rest fading into the backdrop and with it, my perceived passage of time. Nostalgia operates on something fondly reflected upon, no matter how artifically disingenuous or rosy. What do I have that I'll look back on favorably?

Suicide hasn't crossed my mind in a hot minute, but I can definitely visualize my state of mind trying to acclimate to proper adult life. Suicide is a very calculated, rational choice. You decide that the current baggage hanging over your head, whether recent or persistent, is more emotionally draining than all other aspects of your life that emotionally enrich. It's mathematical. Flaws in this rationality may be discounting positive assets, obscuring the long-term, or overstating the severity of issues.

I was so starved that my cheeks caved in. The bits closest to my teeth would be a mess of sores and dead white skin. 3/18/16 nodame 5/1 shinagawa ikko 11/21/2016 Been on _DAT skyrim. adam curtis 12/21/2016 mary roach 2/5/2017さまぁ~ず×さまぁ~ず Japan is wierd. Draconian laws that limit free will and "disorderly" conduct with the societal practices to back it up, yet the people are hedonistic animals. Audiences like hearing about how strange foreigners are. In popular media, in the news, in jokes--people latch on to stereotype about a given culture, often times regardless of whether or not that stereotype is actually representative. Take all the media coverage of bizarre "new trends" in China or Japan (e.g. bagel heads) that turn out to have only happened once, or not to have really happened at all. Thus, to a large extent, the Japanese media that one sees outside of Japan suffers from selection bias towards things that shock and titilate. The internet takes niche practices, or even satirical jokes, and uncritically turns them into the international representatives of "Japan," despite the fact that they are strange to most Japanese people as well. On the internet, "Japan" is known for extreme pornography, but the most Japanese people don't even know about that pornography, and certainly wouldn't think it was representative. As a short aside, Hokusai's Tako to Ama, commonly mistranslated as "The Dream of the Fisherman's wife" (really it just means "The Shell-diver and the Octopus), is often held up as a shunga example that "Japan has always liked tentacle porn." That's not really true. It is just one image that depicts sex with an octopus, although there are a few other examples. Such images were far from common, and the one in question was likely meant to depict a fairy tale. In that regard it is comparable to the many famous European depictions of Zeus in the form of a swan copulating with a human woman in "Leda and the Swan."