Journal - 2018

Entries ordered new ~> old, updated every 2 days or so.

  • 2020 Japan entries
  • 2020 Japan entries
  • 2019 Japan entries
  • 2019 UCSB entries
  • 2018 entriesYou are here!
  • You nosy lil goon dad lost his job. Going to be difficult finding another one at his age, and he didn't handle getting laid off in 2008 particularly well. I was an oblivious little shit and they did a good job hiding their troubles from us. He's getting severance pay but who knows how far that can go. As far as medical concerns I don't have anything major, just a pile of small worries I've never made the time to check out. How this will effect my perscriptions, I have no idea. I was surprised to find myself just kind of glossing over this. Today while I was walking from class it suddenly popped into my head like a flick was switched on. Instead of confronting my emotions I've developed an impressive skill of compartmentalizing them. I didn't get the class, which means I'll still have to deal with taking it once I come back from my study abroad program. I don't know if I enjoyed the party. I don't even know if I want to go through with the study abroad program if I'm going to be interacting with people like that. There's various scenarios I can see myself in and they're pretty grim. I don't know. I should be feeling shitter than I am right now. That dissonance alone worries me.

    4/18/19

    Last one filled up quick. Got invited to a party tomorrow from one of the Japanese guys. Surpised, thought they didn't really fancy me. If I can't find my slot I'll probably just dip early.

    I'm going to lose my health insurance by the end of May.

    Free 8x10 prints at Walgreens, went for "George bush getting his dick sucked by an alien while painting kids killing cops.” So baffling I had to stick it on our wall. Also moved the "about" section off to a page of it's own, like an improvised HTML c-section.

    4/19/19

    New Techmoan video, has some horrifically cheesy 80's ad footage, so saturated it'll melt your optic nerves.

    I love it. So optimistic yet it's shot with a feeling of isolation, like the British presenter is the last human alive, beaming a demo of mankind's final technological advancements to space before she too is taken by the acid rain.

    Went to the party, it was alright. I had fun but the entire time I felt like I couldn't really connect with anyone, like I was a speed-dating polygamist. Everyone was really friendly though. I didn't get the class I needed, prof ignored my emails. Don't count on PhD students.

    Revisited tohno-chan. /mai/ is a truly fascinating intersection of people, a collection of misery and waifu idolization.

    4/20/19

    Roommate is off as always, talk with the Canadians and off to buy groceries. Wrong bus, miserable stuff. I really should've kept up with my buds, they're always a laugh. We need to find more games to play together tho, previously TF2 but now it's all CSGO and KSP. Another Heddels binge, made it to page 60 without noticing. Also read an interesting article on streetwear.

    If anything, streetwear was born as a subculture. It rose from a DIY aesthetic and a loose community of surfers, skaters, artists, graffiti artists, punks, and new wave and hip-hop musicians.

    Yet, of course, many streetwear brands (including Lorenzo’s own) are now deeply ensconced in the system. The majority have outside investment (including Supreme — even before the $500 million Carlyle Group deal) and the fashion industry on the whole has followed streetwear’s lead, eschewing seasonality more and more with each passing year.

    Still, streetwear did indeed once exist outside the established systems of fashion, retail, merchandising, finance, and marketing. It entered the mainstream in 2017, morphing into something new. There’s a simple fact about the movement: it’s easy to produce, relying heavily on graphics and screenprinting rather than cut-and-sew, and it’s culturally viable

    I dunno, I've always been a bit cynical towards streetwear as a whole. Still, reducing it to screenprinted clothing is a bit disingenuous. Hype built by "brand recognition" alone is shallow, but not all streetwear is like that. If anything, genres within the umbrella need to be better defined.

    Started index2.html to keep track of unfinished/new pages. Don't feel like writing today. I always get a ton of ideas right as I fall asleep.

    4/21/19

    Actually watching anime, what a revelation. Just clicked through Amagami but the animation is really good, shadows especially. Still holds up. Tried Ameiro Cocoa, too saccharine. It's a billingual series, how horrific. 八十亀ちゃんかんさつにっき is chipmunk in pacing and oddly specific. Animation style is again surprisingly decent, settings and all. Puts "I don't know what my husband is thinking to shame."

    I'm surprised that Hitoribocchi got animated, it was one of the first manga I saved back in 2015. It's nothing special. BGM is very yurucamp. Sensei is by far the best character.

    Attkun to Kanojo is great. I started out thinking how predictable and unlikable the main couple is, but it develops. The interactions between parents and younger sis + gal game man is great. 2min/25 episodes but it's a good supplement to the manga.

    Senryuu Shoujo is good. It adheres to the manga rather closely and the 4koma format dodges any long-winded camp.

    Sewayaki is a self-indulgent slap in the face. Best exemplified by the end-of-episode bonus where the smol fox is talking to you in first person perspective, like a daydream extracted from a despondent tohno-chan poster. It's surprisingly polished and lengthy for what was originally a web series

    Watching Thatguytagg, makes me what to edit a highlights video together.

    Honestly I don't know If I can do individual manga reviews in the "recommended" tabs. I maintain reviews for all 147GB of manga, but most of it is shallow, spontaneous reactions. Quantifying what I enjoy from it, relative to everything else I've read, is a bit of a stunner. Making it enjoyable and convincing to read is another challenge. That said, I revised isekaimanga.html a fair bit, should be less schizophrenic to follow.

    Interesting experience taking redundant classes. Psy as a whole seems less tangible and more flawed when accounting for the evolution of the DSM and decline of psychotherapy. As with any subject that has its tentacles in a clinical background, its problem-centric and outcome-driven. Sociology in contrast, is about deriving theories about social structures from tangible data. It's an intersection of _3_ Which field is "better"?

    I should've added read manga earlier in this journal page. Would extendo lots of things but it's nice to see out of the 127gb of manga I have saved. Once my HDD dies I'll end my life.

    4/15/19

    [1] Started this, it's alright. MC's characterization is a bit leacherous. Need some dreamy dudes to be sold on a romance manga. Artist has a few more romance series that they're done, giving them a look next. [2] Continuation of one of the only comfy isekai manga out there. Somewhat character-centric, not much worldbuilding. Is this technically GL? I also started re-watching one of my childhood anime, Hayate no Gotoku. Hearing the characters say they're 13 years old is crushingly depressing. How long will this nostalgia last, anyway?

    On the lookout for an LG V20, finally trying to retire my Galaxy S5. It's fine on a functional level but there's a torrent of small issues that annoy me with it. Fingerprint sensor is primitive, camera has spots, storage is running out. If I can grab one for under $60 then I'll be content.

    Roommate's gf brought be lavender cuttings, how nice. It would take a month to grow them into a proper plant so contemplating what to do with them.

    4/16/19

    Getting rather questionable regarding my study abroad program. Might have to take a summer class after I come back, which is complicated by housing and the fact that I'm 5+ hours away from home.

    had a convo with my roommate about self-identity. I feel like I was able to express myself better now that everything is written out. Thanks dualidentity.html. Returned someone's ID card.

    4/16/19

    Killed that exam, wololo~

    If I get acne it's an event now. The >5 minutes of washing your face and using suncreen is well worth the effort. I look about 30 as it is anyway. Finished Charlie Brooker's I Can Make You Hate. Yup, this is why I marathoned Screenwipe and How TV Ruined your Life.

    New reads, mein körper ist nicht bereit. [1]The first volume had really cute art and the author has a criminally low number of followers on twitter. Not a literary masterpiece but it's the sort of series I keep in my phone. My initial review was from two years ago.

    [2]I really haven't explored Madoka beyond the main anime series, lesbianism is canon.

    More of this, by far my favorite isekai series. Lots of time spent on worldbuilding. It's touching on negligible shit like water wells in volume 4 and that's what's great about it. Clothing has a bit of detailed poured into it as well, armor less so. MC might as well be a sack of unbleached flour with a face scribbled on it but the female lead is v cute. Her name? Beretta. Other characters have very deliberate interactions with the MC, very political with lots of contradicting ulterior motives. Art is very soft and pushes all my buttons.

    Sewed on button for the mountain anorak, finally finished the thing. Really happy with how it turned out.

    4/6/19

    first weekend back.

    A bit of CSGO, Multiplayer FTL, Roblox, TF2 with the Canadian buds. Conversations are as inane as ever, from the Halifax glove man to the Falcon sex hats. It's great, rejuvenating stuff. TF2 is fun and the chat is an entertaining wasteland but I'm still pissed that they fucked up Pyro. Also the Piss rifle lost its damage debuff so quick -150dmg kills are waay too easy. Demo grenade launcher alternatives all seem like derivatives of the direct hit, they really need to step it up with those. CSGO is kinda the same, the low ammo sounds and the inability to voicechat with the enemy team piss me off. M4A1-S buff tho, and I'm continually impressed that most people have the self-restraint not to buy the autosniper.

    started the identity page. Oh dear, this one's going to be rough to write. This will be the first time my thoughts on this will materialize in any form. Haven't spoken about it to anyone either.

    4/9/19

    Strange couple o' days. Been playing more TF2, finally fixed my custom HUD. Getting killed by a sign with furry porn on it is why I play. Pathology professor is hilarious and throws in anecdotes from his work in mental hospitals. Even if I end up dropping the class I'll definitely shadow it. Global Conflict prof is another cool dude, very knowledgeable and seems to have travelled extensively. He has first-hand experience interviewing terrorists.

    Took the Retina IIA out but my light meter app is fucked so I shot Sunny 16. Having no frame lines is kinda awful.

    Continuing writing my FE8 page, planning to whip up some gifs. Also finished dualidentity.html, I'm reasonably pleased with how it turned out.

    4/10/19

    Finished the first page of the new fe8 page. Added a few more images and even cooked up some gifs. fav characters page isn't finished yet. Enjoying my classes so far. No tedious assignments or mind-numbing classes.

    4/14/19

    Watching Breaking bad, only 11 years behind. I have a disgustingly long backlog so might as well start here. I love the grotty look of the whole thing and the pacing is really well done.

    Spring cleaning my files. Decided to merge archive, spicy memes, and wallpapers all into one, divided by year. Decided to use bulk rename utility to add prefixes like archive_filename or wallpaper_filename. I have have 5+ folders of just unorganized garbage that I had to go through. Curious the kind of stuff other people save and how they categorize it.

    Made good progress on this site, I think. Been using Wayback archive to selfishly track my progress. I still need to write some of the more stern pages and maybe think of more videogames pages. My mantra is this: unless it's done with the brevity and eloquence of someone like super bunnyhop, reviews are usually fairly boring. Instead, I go on tangents and write about emotions games ellicit. Materialism and consumerism in Skyrim, going through the motions when I was playing Unturned.

    Can't sleep, polishing up the site.

    3/31/19

    Rather painless train ride back. Two girls behind me were broadcasting how unpleasant they were through through gossip. Some people genuinely enjoy being judgemental I guess. I had some time to think and that got me down. Not that I hate returning to the dorms that much, but that being back home revived a previous, very acerbic mentality on suburban life. The sense of futility regarding hobbies and the raging isolation was starting to creep back into view. The way I contexualize my lifestyle is no longer really applicable either, and it took a shockingly long time for me to realize that. "Short-term Happiness/Long-term Progress" complementing each other was the benchmark for my life when I was feeling really shit. Back then "long-term" served a genuine purpose, to keep me from dropping out of high school and resorting to cheap, immediate sources of gratification at home. No clue what purpose it serves now. Through visiting home I also learned "Short term" is increasingly iffy as well. Sewing eclipsed all other hobbies while I was back, and it made the stuff I incessantly focused on at the dorms seem childish and hedonistic. So what now? Do I transition my mentality to one where "short-term gratification/happiness" is the bottom line? Don't my mixed feelings on suburban life contradict that? Do I try to find what "long-term/progress" means to me now? How will it change my daily reportoire?

    I don't know the specifics. What I do know is that I don't feel entirely comfortable at home or at the dorms, and the issue goes far beyond just the amount of free time available.

    Bummed that I couldn't finish the black anorak. Finished a hanten and the mountain parka but here goes 3 more months without a sewing machine.

    oh hey new era name

    4/2/19

    Still juggling classes, might only take 3 to focus on raising my GPA. Profs are interesting but most are still in their PHD program.

    Another redick deal on a film camera: https://offerup.com/item/detail/654448750/

    Just an all-around comfy episode. This host is great, and his humble interactions with the people who know their shit is great.

    Read this

    [1]Even though women in uniform arouse me it still doesn't mitigate the crippling reptition of battle manga. Also the MC's characterization is a smear campaign against all men.

    Also read this on the train ride back:

    [2]one of these eh

    More yuri, about a girl who's fallen in love with her childhood friend, who just married her older brother. (No, they're not actually sisters)

    Triangle relationship series all seem to inevitably melt into one tasteless collective. I'd like to believe that this won't fall victim to that, but it's unlikely. The story could've been about her conflicting affection for both her brother and childhood sister, the plot revolving around balancing her own values and managing reciprocal relationships.

    But as always it all turns into a dynamic of power, not affection. The romance turns into a competition of who can claim :ownership" of the sister. The prod about the two going to a love hotel is just an inflammatory tool that doesn't really move the plot forward. It's supposed to illicit 胸糞 in the MC (and by extension, the reader) Zero time is spent on developing the brother's characterization. He's even shown as somewhat benign and undesirable during the お茶会. Makes it too convenient to oppose their marriage, and that's the boring option when compared to the struggle of intervening in truly great relationship. The MC's main dilemma is the inability to voice her true feelings, not because of any personal, moral objections, but as the "greater good" for her friend.

    I've only read 1 volume so far, but the emotional damage is immense.

    Stumbled upon my own comment in a guestbook that I have no recollection of

    Watching old Star_ videos and god I really miss the old Degreaser+Flaregun+Axtinguisher.

    also jesus christ it's nearing the 10 year anniversary of k-on i'm prehistoric

    4/4/19

    getting hot lately.

    Longest goddamn week of my life. I think I've made good use of at least 2 days so far since getting home. Not bad, organized my PC, went through manga, etc. Hoping to go take pictures with the Retina IIA over the weekend. Classes aren't bad either. No professors that are mind-bendingly unique like last quarter but they're all well spoken and some are hilarious. My pathology class has a decent bit of historical context thrown in and it's not all biology. The cognitive Psychology Prof, while fresh out of water, seems like a down to earth guy. Afraid of the material getting dry tho. As always, I'll shadow a few classes just to learn. Pissed that I couldn't cut out Friday classes by taking the Global Conflict class. The global studies admin gave me sass after I asked about crashing. The professor himself is a beacon of knowledge and even showed an Adam Curtis documentary.

    I feel like I've been more introspective lately. Do I have my shit together? naw. But it's entertaining to make sense of how your compass extrapoaltes to issues previously out of your focus. Trying to reexamine how hobbies fit into my modus operandi. Am I just burned out? Do they not matter? Is my interest in them region specific? Is it just a hedonistic funnel to channel my frustrations?

    dumped a whole bunch of shit here but I decided it fit better in neuroticism.html. Head over there if you'd like to peek into some true existential dread.

    Jesus lady, don't blame me for your employer refusing to hire new professors. She asked if I was an international student in the middle of our conversation and I questioned her sanity. I wasn't really sure why, nor was it stricly a reactionary "that's racist" response. Took a step back on my reaction to examine why I came to that conclusion. The answer? International students don't speak English here. Regardless,

    But how will I recognize I'm dropped into "real society?" 7 hours of my day isn't tied up with obligations, nor do I have any tangible worries. I don't have any crippling ilnesses, nor any financial troubles. Can the preoocupation of trying to staying alive really grant me enough stimulation that I'm satisfied with my day-to-day? This "best of yet to come" ideology that I recognize is harmful yet adhere to anyway is reducing my life to waiting. Since middle school I've been waiting for something to sweep me off my feet, insistent that anything my surroundings won't satisfy my curiosity. My life is left static, grinding away at this self-fulfilling, isolationist prophecy. Out of it I've attempted to weave some semblance of gratification and progress out of this vaccum. Naturalistic behaviors like hobbies are reduced to fruitless pragmatism and bottom lines.

    It all evolved into a neurotic fixation, a futile pursuit of answers in an environment I didn't understand or care to explore.

    And there's a sudden reiteration that it's not normal to be dissatisfied with your day-to-day. I may mentally disparage those that "waste their time", but that's just my personal benchmark that inexplicably casts "progress" over any sort of immediate gratification. Your roommate scrolling through Instagram? His life is more gratifying than yours.

    It's an anomaly to have 1 day out of the month be a "good day," the rest fading into the backdrop and with it, my perceived passage of time. Nostalgia operates on something fondly reflected upon, no matter how artifically disingenuous or rosy. What do I have that I'll look back on favorably?

    3/26/19

    take a look at this cultural artifact

    A tangent into straitjackets lead me to fetish sites to underground j-rock to 80's japanese dramas. I should watch IWGP again.

    Started watching 男子ごはん. My feelings on the show are mixed but I feel like it encapsulates the early 00's style of japanese TV that recent shows are moving away from. All the saccarine reactions, the sterile sets, the artificiality of it all. Somehow feels more lo-fi than the "walking around" shows. One of the presenters has the personality of a lecture in an extinct language.

    I just realized the bad BGM on VN's are straight out of 80's dramas.

    Looking at those prehistoric fetish sites drilled in how expensive BDSM is. Want a straitjacket to look like you've been freshly institutionalized? $400 for one that's been thoroughly pre-glazed with daddybatter. Time to sew one up.

    The one channel pumping out music of obscure j-rock reiterates how varied interests can be. Nothing really grabbed me but I'm left wanting to know what's so engaging on a personal level. It's the mindset that I'm really curious about, just like the guy who developed TempleOS or chris-chan's preoccupation with sonic comics.

    Retina IIa came in today, Chinese buffet with the folks.

    3/26/19

    I've gained 6 pounds in the 2 weeks I've been here. Nice. Slimming down the food I plan to bring home, probably 30 pounds of stuff in total. Been marathonning Star_ and Jerma the past few days.

    2 hantens are finished, I can finalize their front closures at the dorms. Mountain anorak is almost done, deciding whether to add more pockets. I want to make one more anorak and maybe even

    Grades came in. Yeh, I'm a B student. My interests are broad but I'm not particularly good at memorizing stuff.

    3/28/19

    Grocery run with my dad, we shot the shit and spoke about business and politics.

    3/29/19

    Returned the phone my dad found a few weeks back. Reminded me how ancient my S5 was. A 5~6" screen would be great for manga but it's not high on my list, demonstrated with the continuation of my rangefinder camera addiction. Same deal with my Thinkpad T420.

    Speaking of manga, this was pretty comfy.

    Reminds me of 大井昌和, a slice of life that doesn't rely on tropes, nor is it mind-numbingly boring.

    Only have 1~2 days left before I go back. Started packin food. Frankly I'm out of ideas for clothing. Still on the mountain parka and planning to buy canvas for the other anorak. Iffy on the splinter hanten.

    3/22/19

    More sewing, bought 4 years of that upholstery linen. Thought of a new idea for the brown hanten, such an open slate for ideas.

    I really want to make a puffer jacket based on an IJN lifejacket but I don't want to look like a reactionary nationalist shithead. Japanese right-wingers are really bizarre in particular because they support greater military cooperation with the US. If anything you'd expect them to be isolationist but instead it's "was colonialism that bad?"

    Just about finished the grey hanten and man is it satisfying. Bringing your ideas to fruition is like giving birth. It's also remarkable how all-encompassing the gratification is. I really don't have access to my traditional resources for fulfillment like music or manga but that doesn't matter. There's explicit progress that I'm taking part in and it feels great.

    My Japanese is definitely getting better living at home, although talking about specialized topics is still frustrating.

    I really do miss tumblr, it was a great way of finding other bubbles of inspo that are inacessible otherwise.

    3/23/19

    Had dim sum with the folks. A new torrent of BL at the bookstore, also remembered the adorable manga about a guy living with an ghost.

    Under a dry spell in regards to new clothing ideas. tons of inspo but nothing that jumps out.

    Girls Frontline seems kinda arbitrary in regards to character design. Kancolle had explicit historical references and even its chinese knock-off was somewhat consistent. Might as well pair names and character designs via ouija.

    Some really fucking cool artbooks.

    Just finished the ghost manga and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa

    Just the perfect collage of everything. Characters are memorable. Pacing is j-drama-like. Looks and reads like a sappy shoujo manga that I want to directly inject into my retinas. Maybe I should start a "best of" manga page.

    Kaminaji is back from the dead and luckily he seems to have archived more than I did.

    3/24/19

    Slept through the day with jerma autoplaying in the background. Went outside to take a few pictures around the house but I'm nowhere close to finishing a roll. Trying to get photos that encapsulate suburbian life.

    3/25/19

    Clannad is trending on twitter oh god oh fuck

    Watched the 3 hr getsuyou special going over heisei TV shows.

    3/19/19

    Yesterday didn't sleep much, finished my final. Roommate woke up earlier than I did to study, what a goodboi. Went to campus to turn it in as well as my health paperwork. Headed straight the fuck home after that at 12pm. Only 4 or 5 other students at the station seeing as it's finals week. Train ride was alright for 5 hours. Slept a bit and scribbled some new ideas for clothes. Gorged myself on food I can never make back home and started cleaning the fungus off the Olympus lenses (50mm/1.4 100mm/2.8)

    Can't separate the front element and moisure got behind it oh no

    Internet is fucked oh no

    Woke up, picked up the Red Wing Postmans from the office. Started a page on them. They're not particularly rare or expensive so I won't have any regrets beating them up.

    Went shopping for groceries to take home. Nordstroms had a cherry red wing beckman and a brown beckman oxford, both around $130. Bunch of cheese, chips, cookie dough. Also plan to make oven-dried tomatoes as they're light as fuck. Actually wore the Postmans out for the first time and they're not bad at all. The sole is flexible but not springy. The leather is supple. Not knee-destroying like the RW chukkas but my knees can still feel it.

    Had some of this, absolutely fantastic. According to wikipedia

    "In the Netherlands its market share was 19% in 2018, with which it surpassed multinationals Verkade, Mars and Nestlé.[7]"

    Bretty impressive.

    Broiled oysters for dinner and I made some cambazola pasta. Feeling like an African despot. Started on my WWII Gebirgsjägers anorak copy again. It's linen, thick upholstery fabric that I was planning to dye black. Didn't shrink as much as I was expecting so I had to redo the pattern. Also started on another linen hanten, this time in light grey. Hantens are super easy for me now, I can probably get one done in less than two hours if the selvedge is still intact. The old brown hanten I made a while back is too japanese workwear for me. Not particularly pleased with looking like a hot springs owner. Thinking of adding some pleating to introduce some interesting folds.

    3/21/19

    Couldn't sleep last night, this house itself gives me an allergic reaction. The wifi works after a smooth phone transaction with the ISP. Fuck these monopolies man. $50 a month isn't that bad but add in the phone bill and it's a bit much. Atleast I'm not Australian. More unhealthy eating habits but atleast I'm gaining weight now.

    Impressive progress on clothing. Measuring and cutting is still tedious but I actually enjoy sewing now. Mom helped me with the pockets since I'm so impatient. All that's left is the hood/collar of the anorak and some detailing for the grey hanten. I did end up adding pleating and it looks great. Wondering whther I'll wear it as an overshirt or a base layer. Never made an anorak before so I'm a bit nervous with the hood/collar segment. Running out of ideas on what to make, I only have shirt-weight fabric. Went over to the fabric store yesterday but the 20% coupon doesn't kick in until tomorrow. Was eyeing some brown shirt-weight linen and some more upholstery fabric in a splinter pattern. There's the option of dyeing black for the latter as well. Was $15 and $12/yard I think. No terrible but not great without coupons. Also need to look into heavier weight cotton for cold weather clothing. Compare those prices with buying clothes though. One of the reasons why I took up sewing is because I never got quite what I wanted. Customizing something to your liking is infinitely more satisfying than dropping big bucks. I will make exceptions though, like Kapital's ring coat as written in clothing.html.

    Final essay due at midnight today. Got a 4.0 in one of my classes. Fuck yeah. The minimum GPA for the study abroad program is a 3.0. Hopefully I can drive that shit up. Need to think what my classes for next quarter is going to be though, fuck Friday classes.

    what an absolute banger

    I'm very satisfied with how my break has been going. Good food, stimulation through sewing, being around family. I have one week left and I'm emboldened to make life at the dorms as pleasing as I can. Need to maximize my productivity here to accomplish that.

    3/15/19

    The sweet release of going back home is soon. Lectures are done, 3 essays to turn in online and I'm done. As for my study abroad application, the health exam went fine and I'm off to get my letter of rec signed. Need to scan the rest of my shit and upload. Plan to do both over the weekend, but I also need to fit in grocer shopping in there somewhere. Earliest I can go home is the 19th, Tuesday.

    Finally won some Red Wing Postmans for $45. Been lusting for them over several years, finally have a non-boot black shoe.

    I also heard gunshots last night at 3am which was a new experience.

    took like 3 naps today feel ancient, got my aforementioned shit done.

    juggling the possibility of heading home early and fuck do I want to bad. Unusual for me, no? Sure, I miss my parents and sure, home is an oasis of food that won't kill me at 35. But I don't recall feeling the same way last time. I questioned the $80 round trip ticket wondering if it was really worth it. Right now? Fuck money man I'm going home.

    Why is that? Living here has been pretty bad. Just a peek at what my schedule has been like for the last two months.

    Applications, homework, extra credit. Intersections of sleep deprivation, bad grades, and aspirations. I haven't had any time to myself and by extension my hobbies. Notice how my journal entries have been a ceaseless torrent of complaining? Compare that with the numerous pages and hobby entries I was pumpung out.

    It's tiring, it's a ceaseless on button. I can't deal with the baggage that comes with 4 classes, feeding myself, and keeping entertained.

    3/16/19

    More insurance fuckery. I need to go to campus to print and deliver papers so the earliest I can leave is tomorrow. Probably not going to happen though.

    Usually finals are arduous but consistent with the rest of the course and it thematically flows altogether. This time, I have to do a music video analysis, a website analysis, and a conversation analysis. They're all equally mind-numbing. Something like 30 pages I need to write.

    3/16/19

    Finished my application ahhhhhh

    All that's left is one final to submit in person and that's it. Can do the rest at home. One of the essays isn't that bad and is fairly free-form for something worth 30% of my grade. Had my roommate take my ID picture and man do I need a haircut. Reverting back to this look I'm afraid.

    Been looking at these exciters as a portable alternative to speakers. Cheap and small, they turn any thin semi-rigid material into decent speakers. Sound is said to be a bit rolled-off at both ends so it requires some tinkering.

    Issue is, my stereo is gigantic and probably not feasible to bring with me to Japan. A bit antithetical to have compact speakers and a gigantic 70's veneer hunk. That leaves spending more money for a JDS Atom or just ditching the idea altogether.

    new komisan volume aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    3/5/19

    busybusybusy. The extra credit discussion was excellent. Hearing a theorist that I read about in my textbooks talk in front of me was amazing.

    Rearranged this journal page, we'll see how it goes. Might even split it up by 2018/2019. Was considering bundling entries by week but then it results in variable page lengths.

    Sleepy Princess ch10 is out lets gooooooooo

    Thunder outside is redick yo

    3/6/19

    Woke up early to work on homework. God I wish naps worked with me. Where the fuck is my roommate? This man disappears every weekend. Is he even still enrolled?

    sweet heaven above a guestbook comment. I would've said my journals are still negative but I've been busy as fuck this past month.

    3/7/19

    This assignment's going to be late. I just want like 4 more hours to myself. Don't even have time to buy food.

    This is a special flavor of existential pain though, I just want my current repertoire of living to end and eventually it will. A far cry from the neuroticism induced by one thousand cuts of monotonous suburban life. If this was my life while working and I knew that there was no immediate way out? Holy fuck I'd just leave to another country.

    Thank god my roommate's still not home though, I'd have to plan when to sleep and deal with him leaving the door open.

    oh hey star_ is back

    3/10/19

    Not a very sedate weekend but atleast I can wake up in the afternoon. Definitely stress eating.

    Another excellent article by Bellingcat dissecting what really caused the aid trucks to burn up on the Colombia-Venezuela border. The same guys also identified the third Russian in the Skirpal poisonings with publically available information. Or how about identifying the command structure and individual soldiers' identities of a Russian unit by analyzing social media?

    Remembered this podcast series that I used to marathon 2-3 years ago. Need to write it down in my archiving notebook.

    Signed up for some more Econ experiments, last one paid for my groceries.

    I've also decided to start a page on that mom horror manga. Too many intersections with me not to. I don't really know how to pad it out though, I'd like an intensely personal page to also be substancial and well-written.

    Another great deal on a film camera

    3/10/19

    Peeking into /r/lego really makes me want to get back into it but fuck me dead is it expensive.

    Just 7 more days and I can go home. Done with one of my classes already, got 3 essays left or so.

    I was really considering a Mini-itx PC if I got this study program. AMD 2400G, no GPU. 500GB M.2 and 2tb 2.5" HDD. Around $500 which isn't too bad. Then I snapped out of it seeing as this is a consideration that's only relevant well into June. How is my shitbox doing now? It's alright. Need to clear out some files to make space, came close to filling my main 1tb and storage 2tb drives. Want to archive more anime, sort my disgusting pile of manga, and get through some ASMR. Also need to start reading more, it'll probably do wonders for my writing.

    Rather happy with my Thinkpad though. Don't game on it so Ubuntu is perfect on it. The boot drive is an M.2 so I can throw it around. It has 2 slots available for 2.5" drives, which is incredible. Specs are good enough and it does what I use a laptop for, but it does get hot. I also need to find emulator and VPN programs. Maybe running that stuff in WINE?

    What have I been monitoring on ebay? Retina IIA, Olympus 35 SP, Red Wing Postmans. Nothing too new. Hoping for $40, $60, and $40 respectively. Clothing should be on my radar but meh. Have some ideas but no fabric and no machine. That sorta idealism is incongruent with finals week.

    Also holy fuuck remember this?

    3/15/19

    Just horrible.

    2/24/19

    The visitor counter stopped working.

    Finally a quiet weekend, been eating well. Egg + bean sprouts and fish tacos. Been fingerblasting the OM-2n, got around to writing th page for it.

    Got a 4-digit refund regarding my tuition so that's a little less guilt bearing down on my slim, sylphlike chest.

    I need to clean up some of the incongruent pages on my index. Will I really take the time to write about an Austrian lighter? Watches? Need to put my effort more into those introspective pages like neuroticism and catharsis, as well as my nostalgic game pages. Fairly happy with how the manga pages came out. I should add more shows in my TV pages.

    Marathonning Gaki no Tsukai. I have my gripes with the show but it's probably the most emblematic series for early 90's Japanese TV. I still catch up on the annual no-laughing series. I watch it here. https://gakiarchives.com/video_listing/yugawara-part-1/ it even has subtitles!

    But yeah. A fairly sedate weekend. These are nice.

    2/28/19

    Finished the Fire Emblem page yesterday, sorta pleased. My writing has really been all over the place lately, I need to find time to read more.

    Missed the deadline for one of the scholarships offered.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    Can you even imagine losing $5000? I don't even have $5000. Makes all the frugal living I've been sticking with look like a crock of piss. Sorry mom and dad.

    Discovered that next semester could be my last if I took enough classes, skipping over study abroad. Now that's something I really don't want to ponder. Graduating a year early is just a possibility but what would I even do? I'd just revert back to some guy living at home with some expensive scribbles on paper. That's going to be my fate if I piss away this study abroad opportunity. Don't even want to imagine myself in that situation.

    Got a better grade than expected in one of my classes, that was unexpected. The prof is really nice but the material is just so deviant from anything else in this major. I'm continuing to shadow the family & marriage class tho, the one I got dropped from. Getting my money's worth in a way. Elucidating stuff.

    Late night extra credit, getting home at 9, turning in an essay due at 10. At least I got some free pizza from it. Speaking of food I've been really pigging out on hashbrowns.

    Really wish I had more time.

    3/4/19

    Spent the weekend on extra credit events on campus and watching Gakitsuka. Rewriting lots o' shit on here, including organzing this shitpile of a page. Feeling inspired by some writers on neocities, really want to restructure some of my pages. nostalgia.html especially is a mess. Added some camera photos today. Also wrote a bit about identity on my japanese blog, hopefully it's not terribly repulsive.

    also look at this shit

    Spent 4? hours on this assignment I'm not particularly confident in. I'd be ecstatic with a B but TA's seem to have a personal vendetta. I did get a 91 on that Development assignment though, that was a surprise. She must've enjoyed my unneccesary word salad and depiction of Lovecraft being racist as fuck.

    Fought with my roommate. You know I used to hold the opinion that sweating about trivial shit doesn't matter, but it's a useful metric for really seeing what a person is like. I am still around people I have mixed feelings about, but I 100% enjoy their company. I trust them and would have no regrets spilling my emotional mucus all over, I just wouldn't want to be roommates. For my current roommates eh. I do want to get closer to my other roommate though. I don't drink and have no time lately so I haven't been able to hold a deep conversation with him lately.

    I got extra credit presentations to attend, assignments to print out, and an experiment to participate in tomorrow. Just give me like 4 hours of free time allah. I used to stay up late because I absolutely hated the sensation of a wasted day. Back then I'd come home at 3, just physically exhausted but bored out of my absolute mind. Would fantasize about what I would do at home while languishing in class. Stay up til 3 or 4, rinse and repeat. Probably have more Tau proteins than white blood cells by now.

    Still haven't shot the roll of Ektar out of my Electro that I loaded 1 month ago. Met a guy who said he shot with a Leica R3, I should text him when I actually have time. Not particularly compelled to spent money I don't have though.

    Pretty insular living these past 2 months, come to think of it.

    2/12/19

    Another truly hectic, awful week. Parents fucked up filing insurance, which they found out after I told them. Walking to the pharmacy takes 40+ minutes, and I did that for 4 days straight. Still don't have my medication. Really can't trust them for anything.

    My language proficiency exam is in 2 days but I've been so busy I can't make time to study for it. If I fuck up that, that's it. My future is fucked, my housing is fucked, my class load will be fucked. The prof's own language abilities seem not quite native which gives me hope, but my writing might be fucked beyond redemption.

    Been eating like shit too, carbs and instant meals for days.

    2/16/19

    Woke up late, exhausting week. Finished the torrrent of midterms fuckery and my language evaluation test. Ended up buying my medication without insurance because my parents are too inept to renew it on their own.

    Started 2 new camera pages. I still don't have my negatives back so I'm kinda sitting on my hands. Hopefully the Electro ones come out nice, I need something that really makes me faun over this camera. After fixing the C35's light meter I really, really like it. Small and adorable.

    Y'know my roommate is just kinda a dick. Maybe I'm the one slow to warm up and he's more comfortable with me than vice versa, but this is a new revelation. I don't care enough to talk shit about other people, really. Waste of my time.

    Started reading charlie Brooker's book "I can make you hate," sort of a collage of different newspaper articles he's done from 2008~2012.

    Staying up late to play D&D for the first time. Exciting stuff. Slow to pick up at first and is essentially a tedious free-form Fire Emblem. I'd like to help the DM out with new ideas and maybe sprites for the map. One of the auto-generated regions was named "Nambla," which is thoroughly unfortunate.

    The days really are flying by at an unbelievable pace. Any sort of linear progression will inhibit introspection and neuroticism, I guess. I'd like to elaborate more on this in my neuroticism page but man, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.

    Also 20,000 views. huh.

    2/17/19

    Slept for like 15 hours, it's been a while since I've done that. Waking up after dark fucking sucks but hopefully it'll kick off some introspection today. Dreamed about getting shot by a Venezualan teenager and my friend asking if you can die from osmosis while we palyed CSGO.

    I'm happy-ish with the analog cameras I have, although I still need a manual camera. Gave up on medium format, If I eventually get around to it I'll probably just service my Super Ikonta. There is one bit that scares me though. I got an OM-2N for $50 and the shipping got delayed. The moment after the purchase was finalized, I was kinda put off cameras in general. My "ideal" collection is still not finished, no matter how amorphous that may be, but just buying an SLR brought me close to complete disinterest.

    My roommate brought up something like the "cycle of hedonism," and it's eerily relevant to my state of mind right now. Where the pursuit of materialistic items is more fulfilling than the items itself. I'll have to hunt him down and ask what the exact term was. When I was really depressed I made an active effort to avoid being a materialist. Maybe I'm back at a point of mental instability and my maladaptive behaviours have manifested in new ways. It's refreshing to think about, in a strange way. The life I'm living right now is an anomaly and the nagging suspicison that things are quite off was right.

    Taking a step back, I haven't been particularly engrossed in anything for the past month. No TV, no manga, no anime, no games, no reading, just a very surface-deep engagement with all of them.

    Study abroad will be an interesting experience. Race, citizenship, and ethnicity as so closely intertwined that a guy like me doesn't exist in the public consciousness. According to the book I've been reading I'm more likely to be classified as hearing or learning impaired than asian-american. Will I be able to cope with such social isolation? Will I just brush it off? Will I present more of my American side if it's advantageous?

    I do plan on rewriting some pages today, some of them really are schizophrenic sounding. Writing is an interesting one too. Looking back on even just reddit comments makes me go, "Fuck, I wrote that?"

    Running out of food. I've been really battering my body with shit food, I think. Greater appreciation for mom. Thanks mom.

    2/23/19

    got muh OM-2n. It's shockingly small, comparatively tall to the C35 even. I'll have to think long and hard about whether the dependence on battery use is worth the option for aperture-priority and the better metering. Still keeping my eye out for an OM-1 tho, I can always just resell. If you're looking for an OM-2 here's a great deal. Just buy a 50mm 1.8 and you're set.

    Created dualidentity.html. Now that's a page I have to be in the right mood for.

    Started watching Tsurezure Children and man is the manga better. Building atmosphere really is everything. Danshikoukousei no Nichijou did continues to be my benchmark. I also forgot the first chapter references prostitution, that's pretty gross. Still one of my favorite romance series though.

    also GL has medicinal properties

    1/16/19

    15,000 page views. I don't think I've done something that reached 15,000 anything, except maybe apoptosis.

    Definitely went a bit too passionate on the last journal. Painful to read, but I still stand by my thoughts. I just need to frame them more elegantly, I guess.

    Started 4 new pages: catharsis, hobbies, communitycollege, and feelindown. Want to talk more about how I deal with various themes in my life.

    Lots of rain these days. Was talking about shooting film around the dorms but everything looks grey and grotty. Almost got hit by a car, I genuinely considered if shuffling out of the way was a good call. Free tuition?

    1/24/19

    Utterly exhausting week.

    lots of plans for catharsis, hobbies, nostalgia, and feelindown tho.

    Ebay codes have stopped :(

    1/22/19

    on 20 minutes of sleep.

    Stayed up all night watching japanese dramas. nodame cantabile, don quixote, fill me up with that nostalgia.

    Feeling like absolute shit, had to go back to campus for a textbook to do an assignment. 3-6-7-hw-sleep

    Installed Ubuntu MATE on the laptop I dropeed, it's easy enough to use and it's perfect for a productivity laptop. I'll have to look for alternative programs that are on my main PC, mostly osrting and archiving. (MP3Gain, MP3tag, Bulk rename utility, etc.) It'll be a slow trickle, I bet. Might even switch distros, MATE kinda reminds me of android.

    1/16/19

    Dreamed about Charlie Brooker's 2018 Wipe. A man can dream.

    Finished Beelzebub. There's a strange flavor of isolation, strangely. Danshokoukousei no nichijou did atmosphere really well, it turns out.

    Voice actinga and visuals were great though.

    Listening more of The Moth.

    1/28/19

    oh god just freebase the nostalgia into my crundle

    Played lots of trading card games while I was little, and I bought this purely by impulse 3 years ago. I'm anal about anything I spend my money on but this was an exception, and I don't it regret it one bit.

    There's something satisfying about physical cards in front of you compared to pictures online. Maybe it's the foil.

    Got some neat Patagonia stickers in the mail today. I was also looking forward to some from Sierra Club but after seeing an environmentalism documentary I'm not so fond of them anymore.

    1/29/19

    if i make this study abroad happen what would i do with my data? beefed laptop? mini itx PC?

    another utterly ehausting day. Fantasizing about studying abroad and the short nap i had kept me up, probably 4 hours of sleep.

    back home, then off again for textbooks at the library. Hurriedly took notes, then another bus to the grocery store.

    So this is what starving feels like, huh?

    1/31/19

    I've spent around $300 on food over 4 month, ~$75 a month. Not bad when paired with the $100 or so I got from experiements. Tuition and rent are brutally expensive though.

    2/3/19

    Ebay codes stopped for real this time. Probably made ~$100 so far, mainly small stuff like film and an i-clicker for class. Will lessen the impact of a $70 camera, I think. Got like 5 rolls of C200 and 3 rolls of Ektar.

    Fixed the light meter on the C35 but I don't hear the shutter speeds changing. Sucks man.

    Started bidding seriously on OM-2N's. Also considered the OM-1N for the manual goodness but I like the aperture priority that the OM-2N offers, and I'll be using batteries with either witht hem anyway.

    I really need to think about the cameras I'm looking to buy and the roles they will fill. The C35 is still busted and the Electro is really strange. Automated but slow to focus, Rangefinder but huge. It is really going to be that one outlier camera, I think. Fixed the double bag manpurse. A bit rough around the edges but I'm curious to see how it actually works.

  • If I died this moment, what would I regret?
  • Do I crave physical and emotional intimacy?
  • Do I fly out of bed every morning? Napping?
  • I have been more positive in my journaling though, absolutely no question. I can probably bitch until the end of times about myself and my country. Venting doesn't feel productive or gratifying anymore. There's still bits of my life that I need to elucidate, and I should allocate my emotional investment into that. Been talking aobut more deep shit about my roommate on the weekends or when we get drunk. It's nice. Small talk feels superficial.

    dekpi and unimaginable-heights added links to my page on their sites. That's nice.

    1/12/19

    Today was an odd one. Stress from the get-go by getting dropped from one of classes, still waitlisted on another. I really don't want a 7~10PM class. Finished? my new index page. It looks pretty neat I think, a few kinks to work out. I also want to put a gif on the lower rights, that would be fun. Started on a 2018 recap page and man do I have nothing to write about.

    Roommate got drunk, we shot the shit. Spoke about our families, how we judge other people, how we regard "unhealthy" habits. He asked me if I was gay which is a new one.

    Not feeling too hot.

    1/14/19

    this was a pile of verbal diarrhea about romance manga that i still need to rewrite so i don't sound like i need to be institutionalized

    1/9/19

    More $5 ebay codes :)

    First week of classes is always hectic. Picking your courses, scheduling, and this time around, I had my study abroad applications to do.

    You heard me right, I'm going for it. My constant obsession, what my life has revolved and speculated around, is finally a possibility. I slept for 4 hours, agonizing over University choices, finishing the essay questions, and printing on campus. Like a hands-free orgasm when I left that clusterfuck of a hall, arms both liberated of paperwork. My application may get denied of course, but it's an immense relief to finally have an impact on something that I've been neurotically fantasizing for years.

    Roommate saw a girl dressed in an anime shirt and seifuku skirt that looked exactly like me. god i wish

    So far there's been no shocking revelations about living here yet, maybe I just missed my parents. That's another new sensation.

    I fucking dropped my laptop, bought a new M.2 SSD and considering going Linux for the first time. Not a gaming machine, and my only concern is that it can accomodate my data hoarding. I really hope I can get something off of the dead drive, Bunch of stuff I neglected to back up on there.

    1/5/19

    No more $5 ebay codes :(

    Heading home and oh my lord train delays for days.The morning was hectic as always, finished the kimono 10 minutes from leaving. This time around I'm leaving with less mixed feelings. I know I can come back during spring break so that calms my nerves. Decided to take portraits of my parents next time. I had just finished a roll and I was getting tired of C200 and Ektar isn't good for skin tones. Ended up bringing back tons of food, pants/jacket dyed black, Kimono, and the Red Wing chukkas. Decided against the Girards because they'd just get stepped on in the lecture halls. Also brought back some undeveloped rolls of film from the garage, they might be pretty faded though. Both hands are full so I left the lavender sprouts with my parents. Didn't bring the OM-10 with me either, something about SLRs just don't sit well with me. Looked at Zorki 4K's and Retina IIC's. Bretty cool 35mm alternatives. My grandad's Super Ikonta sits at home. I could send it off for a CLA and it would fill a niche in my collection being a 120 camera that's shockingly small. The lens developed fungus while I was gone and the shutter no longer cocks properly. Probably would cost ~$175 + shipping. Overall, a great trip home. Met some buds, made some clothing, ate some food. Oh, and my sis sent me this.

    M A O N

    I'd like to do a 2018 recap page, will probably split up with journal page as well. I have quite the laundry list to take care of before classes begin Monday, so that'll have to wait. Atleast one of my roommates are back. On snapchat it seemed like everyone was dreading coming home, everyone unwinds at the end of the year it seems. I did meet a guy on campus after he saw my camera and we were talking about taking pictures together. Maybe next week. I also need to be more involved with clubs but it really is tiring seemingly "flirting" with japanese guys to get through their emotional barrier.

    The dorms and home couldn't be more paradoxical. I enjoy being solitary while surrounded by people I'm 100% comfortable with. I can get more done in regards to what I'm into without hesitation. The dorms are sensory overload. The only time to unwind is when my roommate is out. Once I step into the living room, I'm in public. I'm not a particularly strong advocate for living in libraries and I really can't imagine somewhere else where I can be comfortable. For what it's worth, I may as well make adjustments to my room so I'm ergonically comfy. Chair is ass, bed and shoes indoors I really can't do anything about. There's a certain R-rated anecdote that happened between me and my roommate but I don't think I'd write it down even on an offline journal. It was pretty funny tho.

    Yeah. Just busy. No real time to get sentimental or too introspective.

    Train ride went from 4 to 8 hours, I'm just lucky it wasn't raining when I got here. Walk to the bus stop was pretty brutal, sidewalks and streetlights are a novel concept apparently. If I was a woman I would've 100% taken a lyft.

    12/31/18

    Rain.

    Blew away my apprehension. Meeting with the guys was fantastic and we shot the shit like always. Went to korean BBQ and holy shit did their siblings get huge. We spoke about our majors, stuff we're into, and as always the conversation turned deep with some social theory debates. One of them remarked,"my roommates are fucking stupid," so seems like I'm not the only one who finds these rare interactions valuable. Wore these things:

    Still ambivalent about them. I'm not a huge fan of chukkas and the color only goes well with a wool scarf I have. Personally I think the Postman Chukka looks much better, the one-piece sole complementing the simplicity of the chukka's upper.

    But Red Wing for $40 is unbeatable and the quality is amazing.

    Been watching Aslan from Negative Feedback although his uploads are rather sparse. His "favorite things," is a brilliant format I think. Recaps of clothing, movies, books, TV. Just stuff you've been into. Another spin on logging your life in video form.

    He's got pretty fantastic taste even if his clothing leans towards basics. Would be exciting to see if he develops a specific interest within fashion.

    Ebay likes to spring up $5 off codes pretty often. Nendoroid, OM-2N, 50mm 1.8, Red Wing Postmans, cycling through all my bookmarks. Have made $20 so far.

    Spending new years with the fam, cleaning to prepare for the new year. Toshikoshi soba and other non-thematically consistent dishes becuase my dad threw a hissy fit at the grocery store. What the fuck dad, you're 60. Watching Gaki Tsuka as always. The grey-haired TV anchor who sexually harrassed a coworker and got fired was on, so was the guy with no arms who also cheated on his wife. Fucking gross. It's opposite in Japan where universally derided figures are picked up and promoted by companies. Different stripe of moral bankrupcy, but it's all the same. Other than that, this show will split your abs into chocolate bars. I love how they play with the artificiality of TV, someone forgetting their lines or reacting genuinely makes everything that much funnier.

    Grandma usually doesn't have access to the internet but my sister went over so we spoke over skype. She's as lively as ever, thankfullyl.

    New Years resolutions. I explicitly set mine as something ambiguous last year because 2017 was pretty shit for me. 2019? :thinkingemoji:

    12/28/18

    holy fug another guestbook comment. Really need to update my index page.

    got back into kancolle, what a mistake. I by far enjoy heavy cruisers the most, medium HP and damage along with their torpedo ability make them very versatile. Destroyers are pretty much ASW duty only. I got houshou back after carelessly sinking her last time. I can see why she's not particularly popular. only 2 aircraft slots and the historical trivia behind her ship really limits how OP she can be relative to others. Ooi and Kitagami

    Playing through the game itself is a careful balance between managing your character slots and the slow grinding. Really sucks that lots of characters require items to modernize, kills incentive to continiue. The use of alternate art is honestly baffling. Hours of work just to be used in introduction and main menu screens. 70% of the time you're looking at the grotesque default art. But yeah, the game eventually bottlenecks into the free game dilemma. Make the game compelling enough to continue, but set roadblocks so it's a mixed unpaid experience. The real thrill was the half year or so of looking up stuff on the wiki and finally getting that one character. Man if there were an offline mode I'd obsessively marathon it thousands of times over like old GBA games.

    Picked up a pair of Red Wing 9090's from Nordstrom Rack for $150. Black featherstone leather, 270 welt, Japan/Singapore exclusive, MSRP ~500USD. They're factory seconds but as always I can't find anything wrong with them. I agonized over this purchase and I still think I'm going to return them. I do like how they look and $150 isn't a bad price, but they're a bit dadish and wrinkles on the moc toe scare me. I've seen pictures of these boots that have aged gracefully but I'm not so sure about mine. Not to mention I've never spent this much on boots. If I was in my thirties and had an actual job them I'd keep them no question, this fills that semi-dress shoe slot. In the mean time, a Red Wing Postman would better suit my wardrobe at the moment.

    Tried cleaning the Zuiko 50mm 1.4 but I'll have to wait. Disassembling lenses on your bed with a sewing needle isn't exactly sane.

    I'll be meeting with some old buds in 2 days. I wonder why I'm always so apprehensive about meeting with them. I always come out of it thankful that I went, too.

    12/26/18

    Off to the fabric store, got some linen once again. This time it's thick enough to make a jacket. How sane is using upholstery fabric for clothing though?

    Picked up my 8x10" prints from walgreens. 1 is from the Lovely Sweet Dream artbook, 2 are from my favorite manga series. Ehh. The latter 2 didn't come out looking too hot, dunno if CVS does better with their prints.

    More guestbook comments. Made me realize I need to recontextualize my experiences and see what I can do to improve my enjoyment at college. The resources are out there, I've just been unwilling to use them correctly. Creative writing hasn't been on my radar for a good while. I'm a huge fan of flowery 18th century prose.

    "I love 18th century science writing because the humanity of it. The exhilaration of discovery and triumph had not yet been stripped away. Check out Spallanzani's next line: 'Thus did I succeed in fecundating this quadruped; and I can truly say that I have never received greater pleasure upon any occasion since I have cultivated experimental philosophy' You can practically hear the champagne corks popping, the whelps yipping underfoot."

    If I did start writing it would probably read a lot like Yoshimoto Banana's Kitchen. I also really want to make a page on Isekai Manga. It is the Japanese experience distilled in ink form.

    What I've been binging recently:

    alduin is my waifu

    12/25/18

    Some odd rain goin on.

    Dreading going back to the dorms honestly. Finished the British army DPM shirt, here's a before/after.

    A bit iffy on the Anorak, the linen I have is shirt weight so it won't drape like a typical jacket. Best case would be to double layer so it becomes reversible, although that would be difficult and I don't have a complementary color fabric.

    Thinking of modifications to the hanten. Pockets, shaw collar? This one is also shirt weight so anything obnoxious would just break up a perfectly fine siloutte.

    Got drunk and cooked with my parents, thematically it was all over the place. Fish and fondue, cranberry cake and tiramisu. Have to make up for lost time since I can never get my hands on fish back home. Merry Christmas everyone.

    12/21/18

    Homemade fries for breakfast. That and shockingly sweet coffee in a tall mug takes me back to childhood.

    10,000 page views, I wished Neocities had an accurate breakdown of who's visiting and which ones are just me editing. Some pages like the "games" pages have definitely seen more neglect than this one. A new index page would be nice. Thanks to all who have endured my verbal diarrhea.

    After much deliberation I've started making clothing. I'm fairly impatient but there is an element of zoning out and getting engaged that I really enjoy. Usually I shed most hobbies for being too pointless but not clothesmaking. Not like a hobby need to have a pragmatic purpose. I just gravitate towards those that are. I'll post more pictures once I make something presentable. I brought 8 yards of cloth, hopefully that yields me 4 articles of clothing. Have 3 in mind right now, but I'd like to think of something more ambitious.

    Met with my high school counselors to say hello. Although my problems didn't end there, that particular school kept me from dropping out completely. So that was nice.

    12/23/18

    holy fuck a third guestbook comment, I'm quaking with delight.

    Finished a piece of clothing, fantastic feeling. Pockets maybe?

    Sewing really breaks my conception of what a hobby occupies. It challenges my patience, yet there's immediate gratification. It tests my tolerance for ambiguity, but it also rewards spontaneous ideas. Like photography I feel it changing how I think. Relative to all my other hobbies that are more sedate, it's a new experience. It's also unspeakably satisfying to own something that's a perfect reproduction of your own desires.

    Interesting video about a schizophrenic programmer's homegrown OS, complete with hymns and oracle. Really makes you wonder how different life was pre-internet. What people valued, spent their life on. Davis is an extreme example of living in a vaccuum.

    As I wrote in my nostalgia page, I really miss personal videos like this. Much of my sub box seems disingenuous and forgettable. Been also watching Jerma's House Flipper streams, probably around 15 hours total. Rare for him to play something consecutively and it's genuinely enjoyable to watch. New index page for this site is on the chopping block, an Anorak and another Hanten are also in the works. Walgreens is also doing free 8x10 prints and I was thinking of art from this adorable romance manga. Up to me whether I have the balls to put that up in the dorm I guess. I have until 12pm to decide.

    12/19/18

    Sleep schedule still fucked, been watching Jerma pretty much non-stop.

    Discovered the Art of Photography and it's actually a really nice channel. The guy who runs it reminds me of my archaeology prof and he seems really genuine and knowledgeable.

    Negative Feedback is also well edited and fun to watch, especially their travel videos. Found this channel through an Ektar 100 review.

    Bad news for the OM-10. The front element in the fungus-ridden 50mm 1.4 and 100mm 2.8 cannot be disaassembled. Might as well try, but it looks like it isn't coming home with me. New lenses are ~$30 but the ebay bidding is like black friday. SLRs are neat to use though. Might try to find an OM-1.

    Spoke with my sister again. She found coming home over break restricting, which was a surprise. No doubt she enjoyed her roommates and freedom afforded by living near a college town. Conversely I find it relaxing, I no longer feel like I'm in public while I'm home. She's got plans to Vietnam and New Zealand, she's definitely a doer. Makes me wonder how she stayed sane in the monotony of suburban life. Maybe we're not that far off, I've only a had a handful of "real shit" conversations with her. I need more of those.

    We talked of our communal lust of nendoroids which is also very serious. She's been cycling through Conan, Idolish 7, Touken Ranbu, that sort. Japanese society is enthusiastically cyclical but it always hurts when you sense a fandom start to die. I've been eyeing a kimono body but parts only is hard to find. Will probably resort to cannabilizing other sets. Reimu is also adorable.

    Inuko from Yurucamp is also coming out, If I don't preorder it'll probably shoot up in price like the others.

    I don't remember my new year's resolution, wasn't in the best mental state last year. What should this year's be?

    12/16/18

    Back home, eating actual food now. Going to hop on that sewing machine like a hot cock

    AC:Pocket camp is great. Not a shred of malice in the entire game. Was about to rekindle my interest in a 2DS but ehh. I swear if this awakens something in me.....

    Fingerfucking my grandad's OM-10 again, everything seems to run fine. Lenses have been foreclosed by fungus. Sucks that it needs batteries and it's a bit cheap feeling relative to the OM1 or 2 but I quite like it. Now if only I could get into SLRs as a whole. Also the Electro 35 is redic big for a rangefinder.

    A certain well-received camera review site by a guy named Ken led me to his Mercedes review ranting about Ford's "socialist worker unions." Old conservative white guy overstates his knowledge on reality, how grim.

    Have a picture of my lavender.

    I'm a lazy piece of shit so I'm uploading to imgur instead of neocities directly. Imgur periodically recycles its URLs so this should be interesting. There was a benign 2y old post on /r/goodyearwelt about leather boots that was replaced with furry porn. Bravo.

    As I said before I'm pretty satisfied in regards to my hobbies. The DT770 + AKG K240 combo scratched my audio itch. Both offer incredible sound with different applications and considering I always play something in the background, have been an incredibly useful invesment.

    Camera-wise there's a few expensive stuff I have my eye on and I'd love to fix my Konica C35 but My Electro 35 is a joy to use. Still on the fence about getting a lens for that OM-10. So where do I go from here?

    Clothing is the obvious answer and thankfully, I'm not particularly enthused with anything offered for sale that's under $500. Will continue to stick with modifying dirt-cheap military surplus and sewing up my own garments. I might get back into airsoft but honestly there's no rifles that are particularly compelling to me at the moment. Buying a $100 CYMA just to "get in" seems like a waste of money that could've gone further somewhere else. GBBRs remain cost prohibitive, at around $400 for a rifle + mags. Gear wise I'd love a harness and back panel. A British PLCE could fill the void at around $60 but then again, gear is a pointless moneysink if I don't play. Still very fun contemplating what's practical and cost effective tho.

    12/8/18

    oh boy, here we go. 2 exams and an essay. No idea what my grades are like atm, probably drifitng around a low B. Did some more uni experiments, made around $50 so far. Makes up for the cost of a month or two's groceries.

    CSGO went free and I got back into assassin's creed:pocket camp. Feels much faster and you have the option to skip dialogue now. Don't know how long it'll stick but it's a sedate, comfy game that's rare for me. Might as well enjoy it.

    Processing film is really fucking expensive. Kinda defeats the point of cheap film. I do enjoy photography

    12/10/18

    Finals week is something special. The second-hand music in the dorms stop, the study halls and library become engorged with students, it's a unique atmosphere. People on their toes and there's a strange camaraderie between everyone.

    I'm going home after finals. 2 weeks? I have no idea. Bringing fabric so I can make clothes, and the camera so I can take pics. Found a place that develops for around $4 a roll, but I have no idea if I did good enough on the light seals. I will cry if 2 of my rolls are blessed with orange streaks across it. I'll finally be able to eat something green, no more sausages and retort pouches.

    For once I'm appreciative at the hobbies I have at hand, I'm satisfied. All that's left is to figure how the rest of my life is going.

    12/5/18

    I watched Yuyushiki and the plot is as schizophrenic as the manga. I really wish it was a tad more comfy like Yuru Yuri, then It could become my go-to background noise show. Couldn't finish Tamayura, I'm not strong enough. I want to finally see Aria too.

    I was also thinking of getting a nendroid, either a Yurucamp or Hayate No Gotoku one. Beats the fuck out of a normal figure which i also own

    Tumblr is banning porn, time to jump ship. Living here has really solidified my hate for trap music. Satire usually requires exaggeration and most rap music doesn't leave much leeway. Walls are also hella thin. I also can't call pinterest "the anus of the internet" anymore because every girl i've spoken to uses it.

    I really do think I've just become acclimated to my roommates. My daily routine and how comfortable I am in my own house could've been better. There's a sensation that I'm in public while living here, not the most comforting.

    I do sound negative but I feel like I've been blowing through the weeks without much to show for it. Been thinking about nostalgia.

    How I regard nostalgic memories continues to be a cocophany of emotions. Fondness, regrets, yearning. I do my best to avoid ambiguity, yet this aspect of my life has remained indeterminate. I don't know what mindset is right for me when looking back, nor do I have any external references in how others do it. And I don't how it has influenced my behavior today. I'd like to say it hasn't, but there's "zero" days where I choose to isolate myself from anything meaningful. Mind you, this is when I have time to myself. I get my shit done to whatever degree is neccessary, yet I struggle in managing my personal life. Time and time again there's limitless potential on the web, yet I often avoid the things I really enjoy. Research about a next purchase? Headphone forums and Analog photography groups? Easy. Finding new music? Manga? Anime? Movies? I avoid it. Anything that would remain as a lasting, emotional memory has some threshold I just can't get over.

    There's definitely some uncomfortable truth about how I regard life progress, and nostalgia continues to drop convoluted little croutons.

    Might expand my page on it.

    11/18/18

    Went downtown with my roommmate and his gf to the camera store downtown. Seemed to be more focused on digital cameras, but they had a few vintage 35mms and a fridge full of film. Grabbed 2 rolls of Ektar for $7 each, which beats the shit out of Amazon. Their display shelf was also really cool with some Brownies, Yashica TLR's, and is that an Electro 35?

    Turns out shit up there was also up for sale, so this came home with me. How convenient. $20 bucks and it's in pretty great condition. The 45mm lens is gorgeous and the camera itself is substantial, reminds me of full sized-SLRs. It's an automatic aperture-only camera so it's a step forward from the small and light C35. That thing is the definition of point-and-shoot. SLRs should have more options but they're not terribly compelling to me at the moment. Two complaints though. The original and inferior Yashica G had a cooler checkered body, and the light seals on this thing are pretty hard to replace.

    Considering going home for thanksgiving next week. Atleast then I'll get 3 full days with the family. IF I do I'll bring the C35 and Fuji 200 film. Still waiting on those batteries though. Got back into CSGO for a bit. There's a laundry list of unexploited marinating thoughts I have, but this exam tomorrow takes precedence.

    11/20/18

    Killed that exam. Got the Electro 35 working, the C35's light meter is busted, that really sucks. Staying home for thanksgiving, all but one of my roommates are visiting home. Planning to spend that time snapping pictures, journaling, and finally tackling some of my lingering thoughts. Might also get to work on organizing this unreadable mess of a page.

    Will I regret it? Possibly. Should I explore more clubs and places to meet people? Definitely. Should I have met the fam? Absolutely. The $90 round-trip ticket is a bit much and I'm planning to facetime during dinner.

    11/14/18

    Trying to make a tabbed page for this journal à la turd but no dice. See my pitiful progress here.

    11/16/18

    Replaced the light seals on the C35, film in the fridge, all that's left is the batteries to come in.

    11/28/18

    Holy fuck it's been over a week already

    Closing vibes in class, just 3 weeks left. DT770's came in and they are AMAZING. Velour pads disappear on your head, the clamp force is perfect. Soundstage is decent but it'll take a while before I can judge the sound. Got it used for $50USD, pretty much 1/3 of MSRP. The cable cuts in/out so off to the soldering iron. The lavender I planted 19 days ago finally sprouted. 1 out of 60 seeds ain't bad.

    Shot the second roll of Fuji on the broken C35. Fingers crossed for my janky ass night shots. I calculated the cost between $2 24-roll Fuji and $7 36-roll Ektar, 29 cents per shot vs 33. Maybe I'll just give the 2 other rolls away as the Fuji isn't terribly cost-effective. Campus is a great location to shoot still. Earth science building was great with the customized professors' offices. Hesitation and ineluctable dread in sending them off to be developed. I need to know how I did in metering and replacing light seals but that shit is expensive.

    Could do better on food but I'm eating well. Costco Tamales and sausages.

    11/10/18

    Did alright on my midterms. Was a 3.3ish student in community college but I might actually do better here.

    Sewing machine this weekend? Crossing all my appendages so this happens. Clothing ideas been stewin for 2 months now.

    Still debating whether to get into photography. It's an involved (unsurprisingly) and somewhat expensive (surprisingly) hobby. The documentary on Natgeo photographers was enjoyable. Rangefinders are my jam rn, looking at Electro 35's.

    Costco food runs are paying off, finally pooping solids. Their brie beats the shit out of anything at Trader Joe's too.

    A bunch of manga that I really enjoyed have gotten animated but haven't gotten myself to watch them yet. Surely they can't be as good. Regardless, started on Beelzebub. Fuck animation has gotten good. Also pirated Tamayura for the megacomfy. I'm also the kind of person who cries watching Tamayura so that'll be an occurence quite well into the future.

    Have a gif.

    11/10/18

    Caught up with my canadian buds over discord, played games which I hadn't done for 4+ weeks. 100% OJ, Insurgency, Payday, good stuff. Payday 2 seems like a massive hassle with all the broken mods and Borderlands 2 wasn't particularly compelling to me. The dorm wifi is redick. 30mb/s downloads.

    Really considering buying a graphics card now, a used 750 or 1050 ti. Recontextualizing where gaming stands within my hobbies. I love to emphasize practicality above all else (clothing, headphones) but I wouldn't have met my buds in the first place if it wasn't for gaming. Lots of good memories captured in video and screenshots too. So in that regard games have a potentially high return: I used to just think of them as cathartic timesinks. Wanted to do a mini-ITX Ryzen 2400G build but RAM is still kinda expensive and I'd have to use Windows 10, fuck that noise.

    Bought new light seals and some cheap Fujicolor 400 film. Guess I'm actually getting into photography now. If all goes well I'll move onto Ektar 100. Not too concerned about getting an Electro 35 but i'd be nice if I can snag one for under $20USD. Same goes for DT770 headphones. I also got Lavender seeds, going to plant them in red solo cups. The fact that they take 2+ weeks to germinate is nuts.

    got to episode 5 in Beelzebub.As expected the characters are great and there's enough lusty anime dudes to go around. It managed to translate the softness and detail of the manga's art into literal visual softness.

    Does a decent job considering most anime have very hard lines. I don't care much for the structured drama in every episode but you can't win em all. I also felt like they could've done more to improve the atmosphere of the show, even when adhering closely to the manga. Danshi koukousei did an excellent job and despite the lack of background characters, it never felt empty.

    I'm really glad I started Neocities. Still no idea how to make a non-abhorrent site but it coherently organizes my thoughts on anything, complete with dates and pictures. Plus I get feedback occasionally which is just wonderful. Can't do that shit with Notepad.

    10/23/18

    Charm of the school libaray's fashion books are wearing off now, Instagram or /malefashion seems much more condusive to finding novel inspo. Historical background of clothing is still super rad, especially non-western clothing that doesn't get much of the spotlight. I learned that I really don't like collars. Useless, vestigial little things. Really focusing on layers, drapeyness, and eccentuating the neckline for my next projects.

    Camera coming tomorrow, going to be one of those backburner projects. Probably not an off and on thing like embroidery is.

    10/26/18

    Pipebomber got arrested. What a truly bizarrre timeline.

    Fucking killed those 2 exams, what a fantastic feeling. Section right after I was late to, but the TA said "fuck it."

    Going home this weekend apparently. Planned it last minute, 6pm to 12pm for $35. Brutal. IF I'm paying $20 for a haircut might as well meet the folks and have Dad cut it.

    Wondering whether I should bring cloth. 6 more yards should be in the mail for me too. Def bringing my laundry that I'm too lazy to do.

    Got the camera and it seems to function $100. Need to figure out the film and ISO settings, how to properly clean the lens, and maybe getting a UV filter. Very exciting.

    10/29/18

    off to the parents' during the weekend. As always US public transport is hilariously underdeveloped. Ate like a king and brought back some clothes. Didn't have enough time to touch the sewing machine unforunately. Grandad's 35mm cameras emerged from the garage, never seen them before. Olympus OM-10 and a Minolta Hi-Matic F, both in great condition.

    They don't go for much but it's nice having something from my grandad that isn't totally obselete. Decided not to bring them with me, will be using my Konica C35 without a shred of guilt for beating it up. A roll of film is $10+cost to send to a lab, that sucks.

    It was a bit surreal going back home honestly. Packing was depressing enough, strip-mining it for anything worth bringing with me. I can rest easy with no roommates but it felt really insulated honestly. Galvanizes my drive to develop my personal life at the dorms. Really did miss my parents though, which I didn't really expect. Dad is the kind of guy that stays constant but apparently he would close my room's door because he would peek in and get lonely when I'm not there. Huh. Since we don't have a scale at our dorms I found that I lost 4 pounds due to my povertychow. That can't be good.

    10/9/18

    Night on the couch was pretty bad. The beer+coffee shits are going to be bad. I just remember groping my roommate while we were cooking at 2am yesterday. Oh, and staring at ants on the counter because we have a bit of an infestation. Made some wonderful pasta though. Fuck egg noodles are good.

    Every class has a "drop in during office hours so I can give you points" kinda deal. One prof in particular. very eccentric with wide, bulging eyes and silver hair. Looks like he carries some lineage from goblins. Definitely the kind of guy who has gone through a lot but has managed to stay abidingly positive. He's running some sort of uncertified therapist ring apparently, people just open up in front of him. It's all very topical to the class so it's alright that he gets paid for it. I've been kneading my brain to think of something to shoot the shit with but I can't settle on one. Can't organize my emotions properly. Do I talk about neuroticism? I haven't even collated my thoughts into a neocities page yet. Life progress? Probably too predictable for a prof that teaches in a top 10 public school. Going to go out tonight to take a good look at where my life is at rn, haven't done that in a good bit.

    running critically low on food my dude. only vegetables I've eaten are raw carrots and parsley. finna get gout and scurvy in the 21st century.

    10/14/18

    Slept from 4am~7PM, nice.

    My throte feels like shit, Tonsil woes for days. My ears are fucked from so much sneezing, hopefully I don't develop tinnitus or something.

    Went to the club BBQ yesterday, was on some kind of rooftop. Good experience talking to people and I got some burgahs. The black guy who's a graduate was a particularly interesting figure. Said he drove 3 hours for it, which is some respectable dedication. Talked about Jojo, gunpla, etc. I really need to cut my hair.

    The mandatory drug/sensitivity training was an experience. Interesting seeing the white guys get belligerent when it came to the diversity /sexual harrassment section.

    My linen and machine pedal got here, all that's left is the machine itself this wednesday. Linen was $15/Yard and is leaps and bounds from that 55/45 linen/cotton blend. Cool to the touch, amazing texture, still very soft. It is cream colored though so I'm pretty limited to making shirts. Looking at chitons and wrap-around collar shirts for inspo. Brown/Blue will be for outerwear.

    Not feeling too hot. Need to spend some time to reassess where I'm at.

    10/21/18

    Stayed up til 4 talking about insulation and interior design with my roommate. Other roommate is in the drunk tank. Shoes indoors will also never not be gross. So inconvenient and disgusting, constantly worrying where you put your shit, whether you're crawling into bed with dirty feet. All so you can just walk inside your home. Ridiculous.

    Sewing machine still not in my hands, getting blue balls now. Still need to get darker fabric but in the meantime, thinking of garments. Probably going to make a Hanten or Anorak.

    I bought a camera. A Konica C35 Auto for $15USD. Guess I have to get into photography now. I'm starting to notice that most of the vintage stuffI accumulate is mostly Japanese, most from the 70's.

    Classes aren't going well. Not feeling too well either.

    10/7~8/18

    fuck me dead i got a second comment on my guestbook. get hype

    Ordered 3 yards of brown linen and got plans to buy a used machine. Thinking of either a kimono or Kapital overshirt clone. I also need to finish my stricharn man-purse. Keys, wallet, and suncreen is a pain to carry around every day. Considering buying a british DPM jacket to dye black and add zippers to. At $15USD it's definitely cheaper in material costs. Can't dye anything here tho. Also took a dip into the library to discover almost a full shelf of books related to historical clothing. By far my favorite was a book published in the 60's decrying the utlitarian merits of modern clothing. Just page after page of denouncing epaluettes, lapels, false pockets, etc. Was a quote that went something like "If savages are entranced with glass beads, the civilized world is infatuated with vestigial additions on their clothing." Another published in 1869 on clothing and armor. Tons of potential inspo in there. So excited to reanimate one of my hobbies.

    Loosely watched "man in the high castle" with a roommate. Alternate reality show where the Axis wins in WWII and colonizes the US. It was alright. Sets were gorgeous, if a bit empty, but the props and clothing was great. None of the characters were particularly likable, which was worrying. The cowboy cosplayer is truly an awful one-dimensional character. Meh.

    Kavanaugh's in. I can feel my life getting successively worse by the day. Begrugingly got Amazon prime for students. bezos can aspirate on biowaste

    Still confused as fuck regarding the class load. Should I be shitting myself raw right now? Or is it not all that different from community college, only 150X more expensive? I really need to find a spot to just chill and think about life. Too much going on at the dorms, and there's no gaps of silence or any semblance of privacy.

    Onto my reserve of frozen ground turkey now. Made some baller pasta and froze some meatballs. Borrowed parsley from my tall roommate. Worried about the amount of sugar I'm eating because it's been rice, frozen pizza, and pasta since I came here. Nutrients come from the odd handful of spinach or oatmeal. Trying to avoid soda. Think i've been overeating too.

    Need to cut my hair, buy the rest of my books, find a way to meet new people. Lots to do. My roommate's going to bring in a girl tomorrow. Same girl that didn't bother remembering my name the last time she came over. Sleeping on the couch is going to fucknig suck. Need to lock my shit down too. This journal makes me sound like some sort of pessimistic incel. How grotesque.

    10/9/18

    On my stereo. The gain booster is actually quite something, bumps up the bass and treble by 4~5db. Really complements the K240 Sextetts.

    10/3/18

    i've had multiple girls talk shit about me when i'm like 4 feet away at a party

    i'm done with heterosexuality

    Interesting tidbits from class: Americans have differing values on agency and social mobility because we never underwent feudalism. Early people who settled down were faced with waterborne diseases like cholera due to issues with sanitation. The consumption of drinks like small ales inhibited growth of such pathogens, and those who had the gene to process alcohol had an evolutionary advantage. Indigenous and native peoples lack the gene to process alcohol because they were largely hunter-gatherer societies, lacking issues of sanitation. Asian societies made tea, which killed many waterborne pathogens.

    10/5/18

    Yeah, it's just been really odd. Classes are great, roommates are great, I'm just bored. Parties don't interest me and chasing tail seems exhausting. Change comes from within but I'm starting to question whether this is just another vacuum. I need to develop aspects of my life that will carry over when I'm done with this place. Still 2 years go by astonishingly quickly. Can't have any regrets. I really need to create new friendships and reanimate my hobbies.

    It's so hard to meet people though. The obvious vector is clubs, but even they meet once every few weeks. You don't really talk to people in-class and even if you do, it's a very transient experience. Little chance to come by them again.

    As far as hobbies go I'm pretty much done with gaming. Clothesmaking is the obvious one but a sewing machine is on the horizon. Manga and music are pretty difficult considering the wifi. I don't know, amybe a bit more digging.

    But overall it's simple shit. friends and hobbies. Like I'm in middle school again, battling with my neurosis. I don't have finances to worry about yet and there nothing glaringly awful about my day-today. I jsut have to start over, that's all.

    Looking back at my personal journal it's so much more eloquent and pessimistic. Isolation is not good for your health, it seems.

    6/12/18

    The shifting, grotesque collage in my mind of what Japan was supposed to be now has occupied an advisory role in my life. And I've lived passively. Imagery of the raft comes to mind. Sunlight beaming across the deck, burning and etching its rays onto my skin, the matrix of water impossibly deep and impenetrable. I've stayed on the raft.

    I think I just don't have a healthy conception of what life is supposed to be like. I'm just not satisfied.

    10/2/18

    Running dangerously low on groceries. oatmeal, rice and frozen meat for me. Went over to Albertsons to cop egg noodles, spinach, yogurt, etc. Got some oreos for the first time in 5+ years. Froze some Costo combo pizza. Fuck, so good. $10 too. Gave a slice to my roommate who shared his sausage pizza with me.

    With 6 guys naturally the conversation gravitates towards genetalia and self-juicing. I believe we've reached the final frontier with talks of a communal fleshlight.

    Coming from community college the lack of homework is a bit jarring. The classes and professors are great but the material isn't particularly dense pacing-wise. Haven't got my textbooks yet so i'm curious as to how supplementary they are. I'm really curious to what the people in the library are doing at the first week, surely they're not studying the syllabus? Also fuck these obscure textbooks man.

    In terms of my own self-preservation it's been odd. Not surreal as what I expected, but a "huh, this is pretty normal," kinda ordeal. One of my criticisms of suburbia was the fact that it felt like living in a vaccum. More rural than I'm used to, overflowing with students, in a location I'm wholly ignorant of, yet I've gotten used to it. My neuroticism has toned down because I have shit to do. Time will tell whether this lifestyle will become agonizingly predictable. I still have shit I want to do, connections to make. I have noticed I've been spending substancially less time with music and manga. Sucks man. Fucking around in youtube doesn't interest me that much anymore.

    I'm still really trying to go out and meet people. I've gotten fairly close with my roommates, but fuck it's still hard to meet new people. Clubs are one option that I'm going for. Work, I don't know how busy I'll be. Parties seem fairly distant and incompatible with the type of conversation I crave.

    I got a pretty bad case of acne my first week, although it's clearing up. I like dressing up but I don't feel particularly attractive anymore. My hair's a mess, my skin's a mess, and my nose has taken on some repulsive dimensions. Looking at pictures my head is very disproportionate. I'm not one to normally criticize how I look, nor am I a raging narcissist, but these past few days especially have been bad.

    So far this experience has been a pleasing surprise. Everything works out in the end, huh? Watch me meltdown in 10 weeks.

    10/3/18

    Rain boots today yo

    also finally got my beater chippewas

    9/28/18

    The agonizing wait is real. Post office still isn't open so I have no idea if my boots made it, don't know what my class load is like so I can't buy fabrics or a machine. But hey, first day of class. The halls are absurdly huge, movie theater-tier. The bus system is super convenient too. The girl at the department had such nice skin, it emboldens my conviction to lather on the Rocher-Posay. Shit was like porcelain. I have an irrational fear that I smell really bad but can't notice so I'll have to be cautious with my moldy ass shower-laundered clothing.

    Was looking at some DT770's to replace my aging Panasonic RP-HTX7s.

    So far I've only spend $8, and I should be good on food for another 2 weeks or so. Cooking never gets old but we'll see how much time I can allocate towards it.

    I have a much more optimistic view of my roommates now. Some felt like they were on a completely different frequency, and that's fine. Everyone is super down to earth so I don't mind if we don't completely mesh.

    Some disturbing school alerts though.

    9/26/18

    Got the infectious diseases class I was waitlisted in. Now I can be a slob on tuesdays and thursdays! Everything is in order for packages and ethernet too. Realized I brought my summer DIY clothing so I'll have to think of something to buy or make. Getting coldish. Getting along better with my roommates. Might head over to the library over the weekend and just lose my mind in there.

    Man this school goes hard on Fridays.

    9/29/18

    Just applied to be a notetaker! Make money. So much to look forwards to. Visiting clubs, new boots, new classes, new clothing to make.

    Spoke with my sister about her journey dating and we bitched about how awful Japan is. Bonding over complaining is the apogee of kinship.

    Man this school goes hard on weekends.

    9/20/18

    Moved in.

    There is nothing near the campus, and even the surrounding area near the dorms is pretty limited. Prices are also high as shit. Hopefully I can keep occupied or make some friends.

    My dorm is pretty nice honestly. Modern and relatively spacious. Only met two of my six roommates. They seem to be nice guys and three of them were from my city. Crossing my fingers for a LAN party. My main concern right now is commuting and food. Haven't researched the routes yet. A quater is only 12 weeks, but I'm worried about running out. Should've brought much more rice and oats. High hopes for the costco nearby, talking about pooling money together for a membership. Will have to swing by reddit for advice on cheap meals.

    But the ants. Reminds me of our house near Tustin. Curious as to how hungry they are, because we've seen them make feeding circles near spilled water. Maybe Borax would help?

    Really aching to get back into sewing.

    9/23/18

    Finally on that povertychow. Jasmine rice beats the shit out of short-grain rice. Never understood why people would buy convenience store onigiri in Japan but it just turns out American rice is fucking horrid. Everyone else doesn't really seem to cook.

    9/25/18

    Weather is getting colder and the sky is flat white. I don't hate it. Should've brought more inner layers, didn't really think about cold weather clothing all that much. Curious as to what kind of fabric I'd use. Is Merino wool even available to buy in rolls? Don't know if I'll have the time to sew but I've found a few used sewing machines on Offerup. 20+ miles away.

    9/17/18

    No idea how I'll format this

    Holy fuck Gintama is truly unforgettable. Don't think I went past episode 250 last time (4+ years ago). Animation quality went way the fuck up, backgrounds actually have lighting, and the sound design is very impressive.

    The genderbend arc (275~277) was really something. Holy fuck Tsukuyo's male voice is like inhaling caramel. Gin and Yamazaki were uhhhhhh

    Thoroughly disappointed there was no genderbent Katsura though.

    This arc somehow manages to subvert the subversive theme of Japanese female characters being characterized as combative and physically powerful in order to avoid the trope of the submissive Mary Sue. All the genderbent female characters do (((female))) things like work at cabaret clubs. And yet it maintains a somber tone while the screen pans over the red light district. And then it manages to pull off an ending where it shuns binary gender labels? How the fuck Sorachi. I truly wonder how many Japanese viewers/readers got the message. I should go on a tangent about how it's an allegory for how binary and trope-centric Japan regards gender but nah. I got enough to worry about.

    And this arc was pretty well paced, considering I usually can't tolerate serious-ish 2+ episode arcs. Gin's voice wasn't as convincing unforuteately, the VA seemed to give it her all though.

    Move date is inching closer, debating whether to bring my sewing machine. I can source fabric online but thread and misc items will be a pain in the ass. I still have tons of ideas for jackets and shirts but no real confidence in what my schedule will look like. Also grabbed another pair of Chippewa Apaches, time to teach myself how to resole. Maybe a vibram 430?

    9/15/18

    I have a strong tendency to only write negative reports so this will be an attempt at rehabilitation.

    Absolutely shitting myself. Moving into dorms next week, gathering my stuff. Trips to ikea and such, really wished I could grab some glassware. They should already be furnished so I have to careful with particularly large items.

    I think the anxiety stems from campus being around a relatively undeveloped, rural area. Suburbia sucks but there's a lot worse out there. It's still America after all, I guess I need to re-adjust my expectations. It's also 5+ hours away from anyone I know and with no car, that doesn't exactly stem my worries. But man just driving through Irvine was nice. I'd live there again when I'm old as shit and done with life.

    The class load should be fine except for all 4 finals being on the same day. The library was really fucking nice though. 8 floors of old, obscure books. The campus also isn't that large, which was a giant plus. If I start working again that's another time consideration. Temperatures should be lower than I'm used to so I'm excited to be able to wear cold weather clothing again.

    I guess there's just a lot to think about. Classes, commuting, food, tuition costs, keeping sane. Hopefully my roommates are good guys.

    Been watching a ton of Gintama lately. Man were some of the earlier episodes animated badly. The show doesn't really look any better from 480~1080p either, but It's as great as I remember it. At the time I was asking myself how Jump would publish something so thoroughly saturated with dirty jokes but look at the magazine now. One of the recent covers was crowned wih the series title "My husband's cock won't fit in me." No wonder Jump is only read by old salarymen now. I'll probably do a whole page on Gintama later on, but it's still in my top 5 all-time favorites.

    As far as clothing goes I'm still after Red Wing Postmans. Ebay listings for used White's boots also popped up for a staggering $30. They seem to be "uncraftables," or boots that are too far gone to be resoled or remade in any cost-effective way. Lots of wear with usually a hole in the tongue, but should be just fine for fucking around. I'm waiting for a non-steel toe logger to pop up. I also really love my Chippewa Apaches so I'm after another beater pair. Beats the shit out of cheap sneakers.

    Also considering buying more linen for shirtmaking. The Linen/Rayon blend just isn't the same. Also looking for African/Native American print fabrics, although for shirtmaking they would have to be synthetic dyes. NAtural dyes are just fine for outerwear that won't experience many washes.